Love :

What does this four lettered word really mean to you?

[Voices]
"Love is beautiful! Love is life."
"Pyar dosti hai!!"
"Humm... define love? Humm... Love..... errrrr.......humm...."
"Love is crap i tell you. This is all shit. There is nothing more to it than physical attraction!"
"Love to me is preeti! I love preeti!" "Awwwwwww!!! I love you too darling".
"I really really love rahul. He is rich. He's got an awesome car. He is got this huge bungalow. Man! I just love his money... err ...i mean i really love him!!"
"Love? How has time for all this crap?"
"Love........... humm.... yeah I remember.. i fell in love too at my college... magar. haan ab itne saaloon ke baad yeh sab.... kya yaar tum bhi kya sawaal poochte rehte ho!"
"Sorry yaar.. I am busy. Will tell you later pakka!!"

And I thought I was the only one who didn't knew the definition.
Confused Times!!
.................................................................................................

Have you ever wondered how long a minute is? Lately I just realized its reallly long!!
And the minute I am talking about is not just a minute, it's the one when you suddenly forget words. Suddenly taken over by silence. And all this with the girl before you whom you thought was everything once!
Like going to a movie alone.....
Suddenly you even start hating the food...
And finally wondering was it just me who was feeling so or was she feeling the same...
And when you think twice to ask...... I guess it's BIG TIME....

"Maybe you will get someone better. Someone more beautiful and sensible. Someone whom your parents will accept!!" These are the words my girl friend finally speaks after a looong silence.
I am sorry I don't know if I still can use the word "girlfriend" legally...
"You are caring enough maddy! No... I don't find that security .. that feeling of.. i just don't feel like that anymore! I cannot trust you!!" Another missile. I guess all the missles left untested were fired at me randomly.

Fianlly I gathered strength and spoke up..
"Look... I know I am not perfect but...."
"Perfect!!!!! I am just begging you to be a human. You are not a kid and I am certainly not your mom!!" she cried out from her lungs.
"Please for godsake. Please lets not start all over again...." I begged..
"There is nothing more to talk maddy! If have to decide. To commit or not! I dont understand why you guys are so afraid to commit!!!!"
No I didn't say anything in reply. I just couldn't dare to..........
"Anyway I never loved you seriosuly.... It's just that you always were so after me... for a moment maybe i would have got distracted. You are just a good friend and we will be friends forever." She said finally breaking the silence...
"It's not that pooja........... I just......." I really didn't know what to say... I am an asshole!!!!!!

"Just one final word maddy. If you happen a meet a girl and you feel that you are in love. Please confirm about all the things. Think twice maybe thrice before even you........"
And she walked off.... leaving me behind.......
................................................................................................

P.S :Ooops....I am really sorry.. I started off thinking of to define love and I got lost in the memories of my .... I-dont-know-what-to-call...
Maybe sometime latter i will try to define the four letter thing......
And yeah.. Its good to blog after almost an year!

Two Sides of a Coin....

THE SIN...........

I walk through the door slowly.... but allow her to hear my footsteps....

She stands like a rock......
holding everything inside...... and giving me nothing but the silence....
I wish I could read her mind....i wish i could interpret those woeful thoughts haunting her...
I wish i could tell her....

'Don't worry everything will be fine.....'
but....

It was late...but she doesn't scream at me...as she used to ....
no sign of concern...

I still remember those beautiful days...
when we were young and newly married...
smitten by cupid...
when i used to love her by the day....and by the night....

Things change... and sometimes for the worse....

I feel the coldness even in the hot summer nights.....
It was days when we last shared a conversation...
or even when we dined together...

love.... seemed to be breathing its last breathe....
and the end seemed to begin....

I walk past to her...
her eyes...still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen...
but....the touch of her hair..... the smell of her body...
mere memories to me now....

I gather courage to break the long lasting silence....
"what is it that trouble you, my lady?"

She looks into my eyes and quickly moves them away from my sight...
she hangs her head down.... seeming smitten by the "Guilt" bug...
tears roll down her eyes...
'something bad' my heart tells me...
finally words pop out her mouth..

"I am pregnant"

................................................................................................................................


THE SINNER...............

The click strikes 11....
Still no sight of him...It's the same all the days...
This loneliness is killing me....
All day I sit idle... and wait all night...
months have passes since we last made love...

has the love died a rotten death??
or .. did it never take birth in the first place????

anyway...how do you expect love in arranged marriage!!

.................

I met him few days ago....
He is funny...handsome.... and likes me...

Am I doing anything wrong???
I know I am not supposed to act like this..but I am not able to help it..
Why do I feel like a teenager ....
why am I attracted to him so much....

NO!! I am a married woman....This is wrong!!

.................

I have never felt this way before....
it was like the first time...
same nervousness.......same excitement...
emotions running high.......and we were ready to be consumed by them...
how could i feel so different with him in the same act.......
I feel like jumping in the air and yelling at the top of my voice... to the whole world that i love him.. love him my whole life....
he is my knight in shining armor...my man of my dreams...
a part of me who completed me......the way i completed him.......
we are one and whole.....
how much i wish to be with him right now... how much...

...........................

I have done the biggest mistake of my life...
I cheated my husband....
I cheated my family...my parents..their trust...everyone..

Why was i so blind??

Why is love such a boisterous thing...
why does it pricks likes thorns...

why can't I have a happy ending..........

..........................................................................................................................................................................




PS: This blog is dedicated to my friends and all time critics...Deepi and Srats....

An Untold Story. . .

Few stories start on a lonely night, few on a battle field and few over a glass of rum. But few remain untold. . . .

I looked again from the corner of my eye, she looked the same always, beautiful.

I don't remember when it all started, maybe months now.
I made up my mind I will talk with her today, yes I will.
I went near her, she pretended as is she didn't see me coming; I tried to open my mouth but then, my legs shivered, and after a second, she was gone. . . .

"forget it dude. you are a coward" Nikki snapped from behind. She was the only friend I had.
"ok ok! there is always a tomorrow, isn't it?" I gave her a sheepish smile.
"whatever" She sighed.

"Beta wake up! You got to go t school!" My mom screamed early in the morning.

Yes. Indeed I was late to school.
She didn't come to school today!
'what happened to her? Is she ill? Oh god how is she now?' All thoughts troubled me.
"Pinky why didn't komal come today?" Pinky was her best friend and also my neighbor.
"How do I know lover boy!" Pinky laughed at me.

It was 6:20 and I was as usual late for my maths tuition.
"So early today? You should have taken your time, why did you rush?" My tuition sir was always filled with sarcasm.
"Sir, actually. . . ."
"Shut up and sit down" He yelled.

I sat down, suddenly my eyes fell on her.
'what is she doing here! Wow!' I looked at her in shock.
"Don't stare at her like this you jerk!" Nikki murmured.
"She just joined today."
"Wow! That's great." I was smiling with joy.
After the tuition was over, she walked straight towards me. I was shocked. . .

She came near and said, "Can you please you take out your cycle fast. I have to take my scooty."
I didn't say a word. Just watched her silently.
"Nikki!! Did you see that!"i screamed in joy. . .
"what she saying you to move your ass?? yeah i did see that"
"whatever. . . she talked with me!" I was all smiles.

After a boring week, I was again puffing and huffing to my tuition. My cycle broke down, so I had to walk all the way.

PEEP PEEP
I turned around and saw her smiling.
"Hi. You walking today? Where's your cycle?" She asked
"Aaaa. . ."
(I pinched myself to make sure I was not dreaming)
"Awww. . ."
"what happened?"
"Err. . . nothing, well my cycle broke down." Somehow I manged to force the words out of my mouth this time.
"Oh! Well It's already six. Don't you think you will be late again?" She questioned.
"Well yeah, I am gonna die!" I said worriedly.
"Don't you worry. I can drop you. " She said with a grin.
"Huh. . " I didn't knew what to say. This was more than a dream-come-true for me.
"Do you wanna drive?" She asked doubtfully.
"Well. . . aaa. . .actually I don't know how to drive?" I said awkwardly.
"What! Haa. ."She laughed in disbelief.
'Damn It!' I screamed to myself.

Days passed. Our friendship blossomed and so did my love for her.
Few days later. . .
My phone rang.
"Hulo. Oh Komal. . . .Hi. ." I answered the call.
She, "What are you doing? Hope you are free. . . .I was thinking if you could with to. . . ."
"Oh sure! I will be there. . . ." I happily agreed.

It was a kind of a semi-date you can say. We had also planned to go a movie.
I called Nikki, she was agony aunt.
"Nikks, she asked me out. . . ." I screamed.
"Humm. . . .so you are on. Whats on the cards? Movie. . . and?? By the way, do you have money??" She asked
"Money!! Aargh! I am out of cash yaar. What do I do?" I was worried.
"Ask your mom!" She.
"Naah! She would kill me if I told her I was going to a movie. She would stop me from going out."
"Well then steal!" Nikki replied
"What Steal! Are you crazy? And from where do I steal" I shouted.
"Well you got no other option also. Take money from your mom's purse. believe me it's ok. When you get your allowance just replace it." She suggested.
I really didn't had any other option.

After the movie and shopping we went to an Ice-cream parlor.
She smiled at me. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
"I have come up with a name for you?" SHE said proudly.
"What! Really?" I replied somewhat surprised and somewhat curiously.
"Matty! Did you like it?" She looked at me eagerly waiting for an applaud.
yeah girls love this "nick-naming" sessions. If given a chance they would name every single soul
they know.
"why not i also give you a nick-name?. . . How about Komli. . .naah. . . komi? Koms? Komolika??" I made fun of her. . .but we agreed that komal siuted her and "matty" was a lovely name. I loved the name and loved her more than me.

Six months later, the board exam was over. Everyone was so happy. We felt like the kings; like we had conquered something. We had finished schooling.

"I have a good news." My dad announced.
"We are shifting to Hyderabad!" He said happily.
"wow thats great." my mom was happy than ever.
"what!! I won't come. I am not going anywhere. I have all my friends here. How can you expect me to leave this place." I screamed, I was angry, I was shocked. The very thought of leaving all my friends bought a chill in my veins.

But I knew everything was in vain. My parents were determined as we were actually moving to our hometown but I wanted to tell them that this is my home, this is my heaven, these are my friends. I can't live without them. But they didn't listen. Who would to a 15 year old. . . .

The time came for my farewell. Komal and Nikks had come to the station.
I tell you I really hate these farewells. I hate to leave my best friends.
But. . .

We promised to remain in touch. And we did so. Phone internet letters we had done everything.
I missed her more than everything. I pinned for her. Every second I thought of her. Every other girl reminded me of her.
Four years passed by. But our friendship never drifted. Though sometimes I felt she was no more the sweet little girl I knew, but. . .

It was summer. I was going to hometown. To my friends. To Nikks, To her. . . .
I reached the city. The streets didn't change, I felt like a lost boy reuniting with her mother. Nikki came to pick me up. She was the same, my best girl, my best friend.
I called up komal and we decided to meet at out old meeting point.

I was nervous. . . .do I look good? what will she say after seeing me? I would tell her how much I love her. She would also say yes. Yes she loves me. . .

We met, we shook our hands, exchanged smiles. She looked beautiful.
And. . .

"Riiiing Riiing" Her mobile rang.

Afetr few mins. . .
"Oh sorry it was my boy friend. . . ." She said to me.

I smiled at my fate and my heart cried . . . .

That was my first love.

forbidden love

an angel without wings . . .
flew by my heart,
she won't kiss. . .
neither would love,
for love was forbidden,
it was a sin. . .
which i had committed. . .
and which she wanted to;

an angel without wings. . .
flew by my heart,
the world gave me pain. . .
but she made me love the pain,
she wouldn't let my heart stop. . .
she wouldn't let me die;

but this cruel world wouldn't let her. . .
wouldn't let me. . .
love my angel without wings,
for i was unaware that she wasn't made for love. . .
for no one told me god blessed her with endless pain. . .
and alas!
they won't even let me see her cry. . .
for i was the sinner . . .
and she was forbidden;

years later i saw her. . .
not a smile. . .
not a cry. . .
not even a word. . .
she lay silent. . .
six feet under. . .
in peace. . .

she was no more an angel without wings. . .
no more. . .

my musings

another lonely day. . .

i am here at a restaurant all alone. . .
i feel like the dining dead. . .
just existing. . .
confused what to eat. . .
what to do. . .with my damn life

suddenly a boy and a girl in the front table catch my attention. . .
she is beautiful and he is handsome. . .
and they seem to be pretty happy. . .
the smiling, the blushing. . .

is love such a lovely thing. . .
can i fall in love. . .
can i also make a girl blush. . .
will i be the world to someone. . .someday at least. . .

why am i so scared to meet someone new. . .
why am i so scared to get a life. . .
why am i so scared to take my chances. . .
i know there are fair chances that i may fall on my face. . .
that my life would be miserable all over again. . .

but it's no good now. . .

suddenly i see a girl walking upto me. . .
she looks like an angel. . .
beautiful. . .
those sparkling eyes, the rosy lips. . .
should i talk to her. . .
no..maybe yes. .
maybe there exists love at first sight. . .
maybe. . .

a boy comes out of no where and holds her. . .
and she smiles. . .

aah. . .
stupid me. . .

time to go dude. . .
and i walk out of the door still hoping for something to happen. . .
better luck next time i guess!!!

SIDE EFFECTS!!

Believe me the worst thing that can ever happen to you in a relationship is THE BREAK UP!

Well I don't really know how women take it but. . . .

For men like me. . . .it's the worst. . .

I mean you really don't have a break up actually. . . .its not like. . "Forgetting and moving on".
No! It never is. . . .

I never forgot Pooja. . . never can I?

And Life is very cruel. . . it plays these stupid games on you. . .

Those beautiful eyes. . . . her graceful smile. . . .every single thing about . . came back to me. . .
She had become an addiction. . . . .
all those memories. . . all those beautiful days we spent together . . all those dreams we saw together. . . .
Naah! Can't just be broken. . ..
Hearts are not made of glass to be broken neither are just flesh and blood but much more. . . .
They say time heals all the wounds . . . .not these . . . not these I say!!!

Imagine how it would have been if even our lives would have buttons like REWIND and ERASE.

I want to go back. . . relive my past. . .

I miss you Pooja!!
Miss you. . . . .

Platonic SS

Well business as usual "Life is Hell." Just discovering the new reasons!

You know the bitter truth - "Man always finds his reason to cry." If suddenly one fine day your life seems to be beautiful; everything is just fine. . . then you stop and wonder -

Damn! Something is terrible and I am not even able to sense it!

Well if thats the case with an average human, then just imagine about a natural born "Skeptic" like me!

Ok! Enough of crap.

Sleeping for 12 damn hours and still suffering from insomnia. Eating too much because I am depressed and depressed because I am eating too much. Growing waistline. Not a damn penny in the pocket. No real girlfriend. My grades all are fucked up. I am just pissed off!

The worse just arrived. . . .

I don't understand girls! Let me tell you this small story of a girl. Her name is SS. She is adorable; well at least she had some sense her. The first time I met her I thought "God! Poor child! Doesn't she have food to eat?" Oh she is fine now! Guess she heard me and started eating!

Today she's like an addiction to me. I can't sleep without talking to her! I laugh to all her stupid jokes, and still don't understand why they are so funny! Everyday I try my hard to keep her hanging around with me.

We talk hours together daily . . . . in the virtual world!

Oh ya! She's my online-friend!
Though we are from the same college. We hardly talk in the real world.
Is it necessary to go and hit on a girl, if I find her interesting??
Well this is the question that has been bothering me for quite sometime.

No! I am not in love. After what happened I am a bit reluctant to fall in love. But certainly I had to move on. And maybe this is just a distraction to help me makeover. Then what is this thing?

Hummm. So I have another crush now! Great!

Rahul wrote me down a SIX step planner to date a girl!

STEP 1 : Get closer. Talk. Know the target. . .umm sorry . . . girl first.
STEP 2: Getting Still closer. Becoming her good friend.
STEP 3: Now this was interesting. . . . "Flirting". No Direct indications though. Just stay cool.
STEP 4: Going around with her. Flirting all the time. Indications. Make her feel you care for her. Show her some love man!
STEP 5: Now here's the trick. Don't show up to her for two to three days. No phone calls. Nothing. Just disappear. And then after those damn two days. . .PROPOSE HER.
STEP 6: By now she should have said yes. In case she turns you down then just apply the golden rule. . . .

"Never run behind a train, a bus . . . . .and a girl! Because if one goes another will come".

Well . . now that was really cool. . but. . . .
Can I do it???

Humm let me see. . . .Well right now i got to go as my messenger is blinking and I got her on the line. See you later folks!!

The end part2

It was Saturday. We met on a date. Well its kinda the last dates you have before your breakup. Suddenly the food tastes terrible, you have nothing to talk like you just came to shave your pocket for some crap pizza. Life is like this only. Even the beautiful girls around you don't lighten up. They are all the same. Bitches. Walking into and out of your life just in a second.
She looked beautiful though. In her usual attire. No man could remove his eyes from her. But today i couldn't eve look at her. But, then my eyes fell on her slender neck. I anted to kiss her. But couldn't.
When you want to kiss your girlfriend and you don't the its the time when you realize its the time to call it off. Every thing's going to be over soon. End of story.
All I wanted to say to her was ok fine. Go away but not that idiot. Atleast I am better than him!!!
Yup you got it right. I am talking abt vishal.
He was scoring sixes and i was out for a duck.
The Sunday's were really boring. Doing nothing. Boring Boring Boring...
Then suddenly my phone rang...
It was pooja.
"Hey. If you are free then could you make it my home. We have a small party."
I should have said no.. but...
"Hey Youngman! Its good to see you here. So. How is it going?"
Thats was Pooja's dad... and he was not talking with me...
It was that bastard. He had done every possible thing to kill me.
Well I should had expected this. Pooja's dad hated me always. Well why not. He was a rich businessman and I was just a mediocre guy with no millions in the bank nor a great family background.
I was simple. At the beginning when I asked why she loved me she used to say she liked my down to earth attitude, she like my contentedness. And now... well all I get to hear these days is I am not ambitious, I don't have high aims and how she hated my simpleton attitude.
Wow. Now what can one say!!
I hated this party. But fine I had the drinks. She would kill me if I got drunk. But who cares anyway I am dead already. We had everything, breezers for the kids, wishky for the drunken , and vodka... yup this was for me!!
Oh! gosh! what happened....
I don't remeber a thing. Wait... oh boy was I so drunk...
I woke up in a strange place. Was I dreaming?
What the hell!!! I was in Vishal's room.
"Hey dude? How are you feeling? You screwed up man!!"
"What... "
Well in life you sometimes wish if you could just run away from evrything if you could hide become invisible. This was my moment.
I was drunk and I made a mess out of the party behaving like a Sharabi... slapping people around behaving like astret dog.. yes the kinda of drunken morons you see in typical hindi movies.
This was the end of the end. And this bastard acted the hero by bringing me to his place.
He was the hero. And the loser.
Certainly this was not going to be a happy ending!!!

The begining of the end!!

I didn’t know if I was suffering from any disease or if I was really dying. My doctor said all I need was some good sleep. I couldn’t sleep. My eyes forgot to close, but my heart was still beating slowly. In insomnia you are don’t sleep and you are neither awake. My food didn’t taste good, my life was at its worst. Pooja left me ….finally….. maybe forever.
It was Thursday I guess or maybe Friday I don’t remember exactly, I woke up late, didn’t go to college as usual. I saw burnt scraps of papers and empty vodka bottles all over my room: ashes of letters and photographs which she returned eventually. It took me a minute to realize that I had been drinking. I had promised her I would never ever drink again but few promises are meant to be broken few relationships are destined to be broken. She promised me she would never leave me, but. . . .
Wait…. Roll back … Exactly Three Months ago….
Yes this was when I first met that bastard Vishal. I don’t know why when Pooja introduced him to me I hated him at the very first time. Call it envy or whatever but I couldn’t stand him for some unknown reasons. Pooja didn’t tell him we were more than friends, why? I wanted to ask her but didn’t.
Ok you can call me possessive or sensitive or whatever but I am a normal man with not a big heart. Sorry I am what I am!
A week later….
Pooja didn’t call me the whole day. She never did that. I tried to call her but her phone was off. Then suddenly a message appeared that she was out with her cousin busy shopping and her battery was dead. She asked me not to call back. Nothing else to do I called up Vijay and decided to kill my time by watching a movie if not at least sleep in the hall. Even I had to do some shopping tomorrow was Pooja’s b’day. I had to buy her a gift. Girls how specific they were about these stuffs: Gifts roses chocolates and what not.
Vijay called “dude! where are you?” “I saw Pooja with someone….”.
I replied, “Ya man. She is with her cousin” “Oh! So he is her brother?”
“What!! Ya think so. She didn’t tell me< actually her battery…..”
It was 11:58 pm. I had put an alarm to wish Pooja at midnight. Of course I had to be the one who was supposed to wish her first. Those two mins were really hell. Never knew two mins could be so looong.
I called her. It was busy. What!! Who could call her before me? Was I late? No. It was exactly 12. Man I dialed again. Same busy. What the hell I thought.
Fifteen mins past twelve I kept my calm though I tried a zillion times already. I hated it. Someone else was wishing my girlfriend before me.
I didn’t cal anymore I slept. Then my phone rang. It was her.
“Sorry Sorry plz …”
“ Ok ok happy b’day…. Who was it?”
“Oh it was Vishal. I didn’t know he remembered my b’day. “
“Good for you. Ok goodnight happy b’day once again. I am feeling sleepy. I better go. Bye.”
“Wait! That’s it…”
“Ya well… will see you tomorrow. Bye”
I hung up. I couldn’t sleep. I hated him more. And I loved her less.
The afternoon I met Pooja, we were supposed to meet for lunch. I was finally alone with her.
Then . . . .
I heard a familiar voice. I looked up. It was him, Vishal. Smiling.
“Hey guys, never thought you would be here!” “So. . . .”
“Why don’t you join us” Pooja said.
He was invading my life now. I hated him. I thought maybe the law will not hang me after listening to my story, if I killed him right away, maybe I will have to live the rest of my life in jail, maybe….. I raised my fork but…
A week passed by. Now we started fighting even on little things. We were behaving once again like teenagers. Immature, silly but still …..
By the end of the month we no longer kissed each other goodbye and goodnights. The romance was clearly out of track.
It seemed as if we were bored of each other’s company. She no longer blushed neither did I drop my jaws on looking at her.
“And they lived happily ever after…” ending seemed to be fainting in my love life.
But nevertheless her thoughts dwindled in my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking of her. Pride and prejudice. Yup it became my story now.
One long dry month ended.

my angel

miss u by the day..
miss u by the night..
if there was anything between a day and a night then i will miss u even then!!!
i dont know what if it is love which runs in my viens instead of blood....
i dont know what it is which i breath instead of air...
call it love or something else...
oh what do u i know when my soul is filled up with something which cries out only one name... YOU AND YOU
these r not words oh my dasmel... these are the scraps of my heart not written in blood though but still are as divine as life could be.... i wish i could open my heart and keep it before you my love but my mortalness stops me......
oh! Beautiful lady please stop.. let the time to freeze for i cannot chose but stare upon you to your enchanting smile.. till the end of the world!!!
i lay behold in my dreams.. not single .. not alone.... but with the love of my life.... and i say to god.. take me if you want.. for i shall not grieve .. for my dreams have come true.. and i shall not grieve ...