Two Sides of a Coin....

THE SIN...........

I walk through the door slowly.... but allow her to hear my footsteps....

She stands like a rock......
holding everything inside...... and giving me nothing but the silence....
I wish I could read her mind....i wish i could interpret those woeful thoughts haunting her...
I wish i could tell her....

'Don't worry everything will be fine.....'
but....

It was late...but she doesn't scream at me...as she used to ....
no sign of concern...

I still remember those beautiful days...
when we were young and newly married...
smitten by cupid...
when i used to love her by the day....and by the night....

Things change... and sometimes for the worse....

I feel the coldness even in the hot summer nights.....
It was days when we last shared a conversation...
or even when we dined together...

love.... seemed to be breathing its last breathe....
and the end seemed to begin....

I walk past to her...
her eyes...still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen...
but....the touch of her hair..... the smell of her body...
mere memories to me now....

I gather courage to break the long lasting silence....
"what is it that trouble you, my lady?"

She looks into my eyes and quickly moves them away from my sight...
she hangs her head down.... seeming smitten by the "Guilt" bug...
tears roll down her eyes...
'something bad' my heart tells me...
finally words pop out her mouth..

"I am pregnant"

................................................................................................................................


THE SINNER...............

The click strikes 11....
Still no sight of him...It's the same all the days...
This loneliness is killing me....
All day I sit idle... and wait all night...
months have passes since we last made love...

has the love died a rotten death??
or .. did it never take birth in the first place????

anyway...how do you expect love in arranged marriage!!

.................

I met him few days ago....
He is funny...handsome.... and likes me...

Am I doing anything wrong???
I know I am not supposed to act like this..but I am not able to help it..
Why do I feel like a teenager ....
why am I attracted to him so much....

NO!! I am a married woman....This is wrong!!

.................

I have never felt this way before....
it was like the first time...
same nervousness.......same excitement...
emotions running high.......and we were ready to be consumed by them...
how could i feel so different with him in the same act.......
I feel like jumping in the air and yelling at the top of my voice... to the whole world that i love him.. love him my whole life....
he is my knight in shining armor...my man of my dreams...
a part of me who completed me......the way i completed him.......
we are one and whole.....
how much i wish to be with him right now... how much...

...........................

I have done the biggest mistake of my life...
I cheated my husband....
I cheated my family...my parents..their trust...everyone..

Why was i so blind??

Why is love such a boisterous thing...
why does it pricks likes thorns...

why can't I have a happy ending..........

..........................................................................................................................................................................




PS: This blog is dedicated to my friends and all time critics...Deepi and Srats....

An Untold Story. . .

Few stories start on a lonely night, few on a battle field and few over a glass of rum. But few remain untold. . . .

I looked again from the corner of my eye, she looked the same always, beautiful.

I don't remember when it all started, maybe months now.
I made up my mind I will talk with her today, yes I will.
I went near her, she pretended as is she didn't see me coming; I tried to open my mouth but then, my legs shivered, and after a second, she was gone. . . .

"forget it dude. you are a coward" Nikki snapped from behind. She was the only friend I had.
"ok ok! there is always a tomorrow, isn't it?" I gave her a sheepish smile.
"whatever" She sighed.

"Beta wake up! You got to go t school!" My mom screamed early in the morning.

Yes. Indeed I was late to school.
She didn't come to school today!
'what happened to her? Is she ill? Oh god how is she now?' All thoughts troubled me.
"Pinky why didn't komal come today?" Pinky was her best friend and also my neighbor.
"How do I know lover boy!" Pinky laughed at me.

It was 6:20 and I was as usual late for my maths tuition.
"So early today? You should have taken your time, why did you rush?" My tuition sir was always filled with sarcasm.
"Sir, actually. . . ."
"Shut up and sit down" He yelled.

I sat down, suddenly my eyes fell on her.
'what is she doing here! Wow!' I looked at her in shock.
"Don't stare at her like this you jerk!" Nikki murmured.
"She just joined today."
"Wow! That's great." I was smiling with joy.
After the tuition was over, she walked straight towards me. I was shocked. . .

She came near and said, "Can you please you take out your cycle fast. I have to take my scooty."
I didn't say a word. Just watched her silently.
"Nikki!! Did you see that!"i screamed in joy. . .
"what she saying you to move your ass?? yeah i did see that"
"whatever. . . she talked with me!" I was all smiles.

After a boring week, I was again puffing and huffing to my tuition. My cycle broke down, so I had to walk all the way.

PEEP PEEP
I turned around and saw her smiling.
"Hi. You walking today? Where's your cycle?" She asked
"Aaaa. . ."
(I pinched myself to make sure I was not dreaming)
"Awww. . ."
"what happened?"
"Err. . . nothing, well my cycle broke down." Somehow I manged to force the words out of my mouth this time.
"Oh! Well It's already six. Don't you think you will be late again?" She questioned.
"Well yeah, I am gonna die!" I said worriedly.
"Don't you worry. I can drop you. " She said with a grin.
"Huh. . " I didn't knew what to say. This was more than a dream-come-true for me.
"Do you wanna drive?" She asked doubtfully.
"Well. . . aaa. . .actually I don't know how to drive?" I said awkwardly.
"What! Haa. ."She laughed in disbelief.
'Damn It!' I screamed to myself.

Days passed. Our friendship blossomed and so did my love for her.
Few days later. . .
My phone rang.
"Hulo. Oh Komal. . . .Hi. ." I answered the call.
She, "What are you doing? Hope you are free. . . .I was thinking if you could with to. . . ."
"Oh sure! I will be there. . . ." I happily agreed.

It was a kind of a semi-date you can say. We had also planned to go a movie.
I called Nikki, she was agony aunt.
"Nikks, she asked me out. . . ." I screamed.
"Humm. . . .so you are on. Whats on the cards? Movie. . . and?? By the way, do you have money??" She asked
"Money!! Aargh! I am out of cash yaar. What do I do?" I was worried.
"Ask your mom!" She.
"Naah! She would kill me if I told her I was going to a movie. She would stop me from going out."
"Well then steal!" Nikki replied
"What Steal! Are you crazy? And from where do I steal" I shouted.
"Well you got no other option also. Take money from your mom's purse. believe me it's ok. When you get your allowance just replace it." She suggested.
I really didn't had any other option.

After the movie and shopping we went to an Ice-cream parlor.
She smiled at me. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
"I have come up with a name for you?" SHE said proudly.
"What! Really?" I replied somewhat surprised and somewhat curiously.
"Matty! Did you like it?" She looked at me eagerly waiting for an applaud.
yeah girls love this "nick-naming" sessions. If given a chance they would name every single soul
they know.
"why not i also give you a nick-name?. . . How about Komli. . .naah. . . komi? Koms? Komolika??" I made fun of her. . .but we agreed that komal siuted her and "matty" was a lovely name. I loved the name and loved her more than me.

Six months later, the board exam was over. Everyone was so happy. We felt like the kings; like we had conquered something. We had finished schooling.

"I have a good news." My dad announced.
"We are shifting to Hyderabad!" He said happily.
"wow thats great." my mom was happy than ever.
"what!! I won't come. I am not going anywhere. I have all my friends here. How can you expect me to leave this place." I screamed, I was angry, I was shocked. The very thought of leaving all my friends bought a chill in my veins.

But I knew everything was in vain. My parents were determined as we were actually moving to our hometown but I wanted to tell them that this is my home, this is my heaven, these are my friends. I can't live without them. But they didn't listen. Who would to a 15 year old. . . .

The time came for my farewell. Komal and Nikks had come to the station.
I tell you I really hate these farewells. I hate to leave my best friends.
But. . .

We promised to remain in touch. And we did so. Phone internet letters we had done everything.
I missed her more than everything. I pinned for her. Every second I thought of her. Every other girl reminded me of her.
Four years passed by. But our friendship never drifted. Though sometimes I felt she was no more the sweet little girl I knew, but. . .

It was summer. I was going to hometown. To my friends. To Nikks, To her. . . .
I reached the city. The streets didn't change, I felt like a lost boy reuniting with her mother. Nikki came to pick me up. She was the same, my best girl, my best friend.
I called up komal and we decided to meet at out old meeting point.

I was nervous. . . .do I look good? what will she say after seeing me? I would tell her how much I love her. She would also say yes. Yes she loves me. . .

We met, we shook our hands, exchanged smiles. She looked beautiful.
And. . .

"Riiiing Riiing" Her mobile rang.

Afetr few mins. . .
"Oh sorry it was my boy friend. . . ." She said to me.

I smiled at my fate and my heart cried . . . .

That was my first love.

Ex Troubles

Ever been in an awkward situation . . .
when u wanna run away. . . .
when u know life's gonna screw u. . .
and still u laugh that awkward smile. . .

well. . . .

i don't know if one can call it embarrassing. . .
but it was for me. . . . . . .




an awful start. . . as usual. . .

Mom woke me up saying. . .
"Beta wake up. . .You have school. . ."

"Mom for GOD sake. . . I am in college!!! And my exams r jus over yesterday!!!!"

anyway. . .she woke me up. . .

had a wedding to attend. . .
my classmate was getting married. . .

i used to love weddings! the colors, the ambiance, the freshness. . .
and . . . the girls of course!!!

weddings are a beauty contest!
though here the bride is the winner. . .
but others compete for the runner ups. . .
the make ups, the lipsticks, and. . .even saris . . .
well it's all about them and their beauty!!!

but i was in no mood to crash a girl. . .

and then. . . . . . . .



POOOJA!!!!!
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE!!



aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. . . .

why does she have to come to the same wedding. . .
wait a min. . .she's not my classmate's freind neither her relative. . .
wateva. . .
GOD!!

ok fine. . . . .

no need to overact. . . I am fine with her. . . .
let me just ignore her. . . .
even if she talks with me i won't give her a damn. . .

(two hours latter. . . .)

what the hell is dat wretch doing. . .
why isn't she noticing me. . .
and. . who the fuck is dat asshole beside her. . . .

I try to pass beside her for the millionth time but she pretends as if she never knew me. . .

ok. . . .
enough is enough. . .i can't stand this anymore. . .

i went before her, though nervously. . .
"Hi Pooja! How are you!"

She gave me the who-d-hell-r-u-asshole look!!!!!

then very reluctantly she said a "Hi" and turned back!

attitude!!!! why r girls so full of crap!!!

wateva. . . .

she looked very beautiful. . .
like an angel. . . .
those eyes. . .
the lips. . .
i wanted to kiss her. . .

aaah. . .

I hate break ups and I hate Ex-GFs
why can't we still be friends after a break up. . .
why we still go on a date even if we had decided we don't love each other. . .
wats wrong in drinking a coffee together!!

naah. . . .
girls!!!!
she wont understand this. . . .
she hates me. . .

another try. . . .
she was there at the dining hall. . .
glad she was alone this time!

this time i smiled like a fool and . . . .

SHE : matty! why r u doing this? you know i am not gonna talk you. . .

ME: Look poo. . . aa. . . .Pooja!! I just wanted to ask how r u?
common u can't just ignore me. . .
we have known each other for 3 yrs nw. . .

SHE : So wat do u expect??????

ME: Nothing. Just pure friendship.

SHE : wateva. . . look. . . you better be going . . . my boy friend will be here any min. . .

ME : WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???????????

(i almost dropped my plate)

SHE : what. . .huhhhh. . .

(that jerk arrived. . .)

i was shocked!!!!!

she was already dating another guy and i was . . . . .
aaaaarrrrrrraaaaaaaaggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!



after few mins. . .
i ask my friend what the hell is Pooja doing here. . .
i mean how is she related. . . .

My Friend (bride) : OOh! she is his(groom's) cousin. well there is she is with her another cousin.

Whhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

she lied to me. . .
that. . .witch. . .

i am gonna. . . .

shit man shit. . .

and i was smiling actually. . . .


pheeeeeew. . . .

the end of an eventful day!!!!



and btw. . .

all you guys and gals out there. . .
here's a piece of advice. . .

play it safe. . .and STOP AIDS. . .

SIDE EFFECTS!!

Believe me the worst thing that can ever happen to you in a relationship is THE BREAK UP!

Well I don't really know how women take it but. . . .

For men like me. . . .it's the worst. . .

I mean you really don't have a break up actually. . . .its not like. . "Forgetting and moving on".
No! It never is. . . .

I never forgot Pooja. . . never can I?

And Life is very cruel. . . it plays these stupid games on you. . .

Those beautiful eyes. . . . her graceful smile. . . .every single thing about . . came back to me. . .
She had become an addiction. . . . .
all those memories. . . all those beautiful days we spent together . . all those dreams we saw together. . . .
Naah! Can't just be broken. . ..
Hearts are not made of glass to be broken neither are just flesh and blood but much more. . . .
They say time heals all the wounds . . . .not these . . . not these I say!!!

Imagine how it would have been if even our lives would have buttons like REWIND and ERASE.

I want to go back. . . relive my past. . .

I miss you Pooja!!
Miss you. . . . .

Damn!!! I hate this. . . .

Four girls call me and ask me an explanation about my blog!!!! (my last post). . . .
Another almost kills me!
And the worse. . . . .
a girl stops completely talking with me. . . bcoz she feels i am flirting with her . . . .
What has happened to all of them. . . why don't they understand. . . . .
GOD!
why are these girls so skeptic. . . .
ok I am an as**ole to blow up my ass in the internet!!!!

Well all I can just say is all the GIRLS who hate me. . . .
its completely ur choice . . . But believe me . . . I AM NOT CRASHING ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!

This is all I what i got to say. . . . . .

I was having a good time. . . .but no!!
Mr.FATE won't rest until he see me all screwed up. . again hating life. . . again hating myself. . .
Damn! Why do all the wrong things happen to me always!!!!!

The end part2

It was Saturday. We met on a date. Well its kinda the last dates you have before your breakup. Suddenly the food tastes terrible, you have nothing to talk like you just came to shave your pocket for some crap pizza. Life is like this only. Even the beautiful girls around you don't lighten up. They are all the same. Bitches. Walking into and out of your life just in a second.
She looked beautiful though. In her usual attire. No man could remove his eyes from her. But today i couldn't eve look at her. But, then my eyes fell on her slender neck. I anted to kiss her. But couldn't.
When you want to kiss your girlfriend and you don't the its the time when you realize its the time to call it off. Every thing's going to be over soon. End of story.
All I wanted to say to her was ok fine. Go away but not that idiot. Atleast I am better than him!!!
Yup you got it right. I am talking abt vishal.
He was scoring sixes and i was out for a duck.
The Sunday's were really boring. Doing nothing. Boring Boring Boring...
Then suddenly my phone rang...
It was pooja.
"Hey. If you are free then could you make it my home. We have a small party."
I should have said no.. but...
"Hey Youngman! Its good to see you here. So. How is it going?"
Thats was Pooja's dad... and he was not talking with me...
It was that bastard. He had done every possible thing to kill me.
Well I should had expected this. Pooja's dad hated me always. Well why not. He was a rich businessman and I was just a mediocre guy with no millions in the bank nor a great family background.
I was simple. At the beginning when I asked why she loved me she used to say she liked my down to earth attitude, she like my contentedness. And now... well all I get to hear these days is I am not ambitious, I don't have high aims and how she hated my simpleton attitude.
Wow. Now what can one say!!
I hated this party. But fine I had the drinks. She would kill me if I got drunk. But who cares anyway I am dead already. We had everything, breezers for the kids, wishky for the drunken , and vodka... yup this was for me!!
Oh! gosh! what happened....
I don't remeber a thing. Wait... oh boy was I so drunk...
I woke up in a strange place. Was I dreaming?
What the hell!!! I was in Vishal's room.
"Hey dude? How are you feeling? You screwed up man!!"
"What... "
Well in life you sometimes wish if you could just run away from evrything if you could hide become invisible. This was my moment.
I was drunk and I made a mess out of the party behaving like a Sharabi... slapping people around behaving like astret dog.. yes the kinda of drunken morons you see in typical hindi movies.
This was the end of the end. And this bastard acted the hero by bringing me to his place.
He was the hero. And the loser.
Certainly this was not going to be a happy ending!!!

The begining of the end!!

I didn’t know if I was suffering from any disease or if I was really dying. My doctor said all I need was some good sleep. I couldn’t sleep. My eyes forgot to close, but my heart was still beating slowly. In insomnia you are don’t sleep and you are neither awake. My food didn’t taste good, my life was at its worst. Pooja left me ….finally….. maybe forever.
It was Thursday I guess or maybe Friday I don’t remember exactly, I woke up late, didn’t go to college as usual. I saw burnt scraps of papers and empty vodka bottles all over my room: ashes of letters and photographs which she returned eventually. It took me a minute to realize that I had been drinking. I had promised her I would never ever drink again but few promises are meant to be broken few relationships are destined to be broken. She promised me she would never leave me, but. . . .
Wait…. Roll back … Exactly Three Months ago….
Yes this was when I first met that bastard Vishal. I don’t know why when Pooja introduced him to me I hated him at the very first time. Call it envy or whatever but I couldn’t stand him for some unknown reasons. Pooja didn’t tell him we were more than friends, why? I wanted to ask her but didn’t.
Ok you can call me possessive or sensitive or whatever but I am a normal man with not a big heart. Sorry I am what I am!
A week later….
Pooja didn’t call me the whole day. She never did that. I tried to call her but her phone was off. Then suddenly a message appeared that she was out with her cousin busy shopping and her battery was dead. She asked me not to call back. Nothing else to do I called up Vijay and decided to kill my time by watching a movie if not at least sleep in the hall. Even I had to do some shopping tomorrow was Pooja’s b’day. I had to buy her a gift. Girls how specific they were about these stuffs: Gifts roses chocolates and what not.
Vijay called “dude! where are you?” “I saw Pooja with someone….”.
I replied, “Ya man. She is with her cousin” “Oh! So he is her brother?”
“What!! Ya think so. She didn’t tell me< actually her battery…..”
It was 11:58 pm. I had put an alarm to wish Pooja at midnight. Of course I had to be the one who was supposed to wish her first. Those two mins were really hell. Never knew two mins could be so looong.
I called her. It was busy. What!! Who could call her before me? Was I late? No. It was exactly 12. Man I dialed again. Same busy. What the hell I thought.
Fifteen mins past twelve I kept my calm though I tried a zillion times already. I hated it. Someone else was wishing my girlfriend before me.
I didn’t cal anymore I slept. Then my phone rang. It was her.
“Sorry Sorry plz …”
“ Ok ok happy b’day…. Who was it?”
“Oh it was Vishal. I didn’t know he remembered my b’day. “
“Good for you. Ok goodnight happy b’day once again. I am feeling sleepy. I better go. Bye.”
“Wait! That’s it…”
“Ya well… will see you tomorrow. Bye”
I hung up. I couldn’t sleep. I hated him more. And I loved her less.
The afternoon I met Pooja, we were supposed to meet for lunch. I was finally alone with her.
Then . . . .
I heard a familiar voice. I looked up. It was him, Vishal. Smiling.
“Hey guys, never thought you would be here!” “So. . . .”
“Why don’t you join us” Pooja said.
He was invading my life now. I hated him. I thought maybe the law will not hang me after listening to my story, if I killed him right away, maybe I will have to live the rest of my life in jail, maybe….. I raised my fork but…
A week passed by. Now we started fighting even on little things. We were behaving once again like teenagers. Immature, silly but still …..
By the end of the month we no longer kissed each other goodbye and goodnights. The romance was clearly out of track.
It seemed as if we were bored of each other’s company. She no longer blushed neither did I drop my jaws on looking at her.
“And they lived happily ever after…” ending seemed to be fainting in my love life.
But nevertheless her thoughts dwindled in my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking of her. Pride and prejudice. Yup it became my story now.
One long dry month ended.

THE JINXED AND THE HOODOOS

Oh! Please don't put away my words as mere superstitiousness and sheer pessimism, when I say I am 'Paraskavedekatriaphobic' - suffering from the fear of Friday the thirteenth. And mind you there are theories and facts which prove that this day is indeed the unluckiest day of the year. Oh! don't worry I won't go into any of the details now. This is all about how Mr.Fate blew the hell out of me and how I managed to get off with the longest day of my life. My day kicked of at four in the morning when my mom splashed literary a bucket of cold water on me when six alarms failed to do what she could do. After the early jitters I somehow managed to drag myself out of my bed to attend my CAT class in the wee hours. Well I joined the coaching for CAT only because of my girlfriend. So please don't think I am kind of a geek waking at the wee hours, screaming only one mantra "IIMs". Naaah! Thats certainly not me! To my adversity my bike was puncher ed.So there was I in the roads, and to my luck there was also a bus strike. I stood there begging for lifts sometimes and running around overcrowded autos. Early in the morning these autos still reminded me that my country was indeed over populated. Somehow I finally made it to the class but only to find out the class was completly empty. Not even a microorganism; forget about humans. None of my classmates had showed up that day for some mysterious reasons and so there was a no class. Even Pooja (my girlfriend) didn't show up.
After a hell of a start, i tried to be optimistic by saying to myself "Ok. Sometimes things happen. Don't worry. You still have the whole day". Now I wish i had not said those words. There are times I laughed at people who slipped and fell on the roads; I never knew I was going to be one among them. And finally I tripped on a banana skin and successfully did a la charlie chaplin on the road. With a bruised ankle and a sprain i moved on into the later part of my day; waiting eagerly for the miseries to come. They say crazy things happen to you when you are really screwed up. Now it started raining in a sunny April morning
and I was wet with water and thanks to the humble soul of an auto driver; I bathed in mud. Right at that moment my cellphone rang. "You psycho! How can you be so selfish. Why didn't you wake me up? I didn't make it to the class only and only because of you." Now as you might have guessed that was pooja. I really don't know how many of you do the job of an alarm clock to their girlfriends but I certainly did at times. Now if you were a self respecting man what in the world would you do. I hung up my phone. Then I suddenly realized that "oh! my god now i have real troubles." I called her for a zillion times but she wont talk. They is silence is eternity in a relationship. Had I known that I would have avoided a great deal of troubles. Somehow after hours of persuasion and pleadings finally my highness bestows mercy upon me. And she asks for a date to make up for the loss. Though I didn't even had a penny in my pocket but could I make a choice; sorry certainly not. Back home my mom bowled me over. I was supposed to accompany her to the vegetable market. And she didn't listen to anything I said. Now i had to call up pooja again and say her sorry thousand times, like repeat the whole melodrama all over again. After doing so suddenly my mom announces that we were not shopping vegetables but going for a movie with her friend and her daughter. I wanted to strictly say no but after looking at my mom's friend's daughter, no man would say 'No'. She was so beautiful that suddenly I forgot everything; my troubles, my girlfriend ( oh! believe me only for the time being). But Mr.Fate won't leave me just like that. Oh! he was determined to kill me. I don't know how in the hell such crazy things happen. I was spotted by my very own girlfriend, licking ice cream, having a blast with another girl and mind you a beautiful girl. Oh! My god. Now this was much more that troubles.Women had indeed complicated the situation.
"I should have known. You don't answer my phones. You don't want to go out with me. You don't want to see my face." these were the words pooja screamed upon my face. How much I tried to explain but she was like not even ready to listen. And then she suddenly threw the phone I gifted on her birthday saying "I don't need your damn phone when you don't even want to answer me.And neither you." Now this was the limit. I couldn't bear it anymore. Even i stood up and took the flip modeled moto razor (her phone) and broke it into two. Well actually I didn't intend to but it was there right in front of me in two pieces. There are situations in life when you wish you could be invisible like Mr.India; run from the situation; run from your troubles; and I was looking for the Mr.India gadget. But things had not ended yet. She had to had her revenge and there she was with my dear mobile this time in the mortar below the pestle. Crush and crush and crush. I could see it break into pieces and I couldn't do anything but stand and stare. My heart sank.
"Two hours later I lay on my bed when my best friend calls me. Suddenly I realized that it was his birthday and I didn't even wish him. And eventually I skipped his party. The Vodka party. Damn I never miss them but neither could I go anywhere after what happened. To add to my miseries the power went off on a sumer night keeping me awake till four in the morning. So that was the longest day of my life.