The search..

Once upon a time in a never never land... this was the time when I wandered in the streets of the unknown cities which cried out loud to me always trying to say something.. trying to find answers to unframed questions.. trying to solve the mystery without knowing what actually the mystery was..

Yes that was the time!

I always wondered how they did it? I mean how could just anyone do it?
It's not that I have not attempted it myself or I am a total starter. I have tried, though I agree that they were not my best but nevertheless I tried. Was I naive? Was there a process i missed? Is there a formula?
Damn it.. why can't I just know what is it that's missing? What is the fucking secret ingredient!!

....................

Finding her was always the difficult part. I was so damn confused always. I mean it's not that I have not tried searching for her. But the image of her was so blur in my head that I could never even see her complete face.
One thing that kept me driving was her eyes. Crystal clear like the blue ocean yet very deceiving. They were the only thing I always kept looking for.

Those eyes...

I could kill for them. Now it was like I was addicted to them.

Well.. when it comes to him, I would not say it was that difficult but not that easy also. I saw him once or twice. But then I tend him loose him always. He changed every time I met him, every time I spoke to him.

But deep down I knew... I just had to find her and he would come running.

Perfect!
Once I get both of them together it will all be set.
I just need to add the magic potion and I am done. Finally!

But ..

The question again is where to find the potion?

Before you think about it let me confess myself - Yes! The irony is I have nothing and yet everything.

..................


They say you could find it anywhere. You just have to keep looking under the sky.

I went to the mountains first, then the valleys... then the river. Nope it was not there.

The villages.. the towns.. the cities.. nothing seem to have given it refuge.

I asked everyone for it - the young and the old; the beauty and the ugly; the dead and the living - none had it.

I rode the horses and reached the city of the god. They said it was found here once.
I searched and searched. No clue of it. Nothing at all.

Could it be in the brothels? Have the virgins of the village hid it secretly?
I met all of them - the loved - unloved; Men and women, even the queen's eunuchs couldn't tell me it's whereabouts.

I looked at the sun, I could not see it directly.
I was lost in the desert. No where to go.

I crawled, I begged for water and food. I knew was dying. The end had arrived.
All I wanted was to touch it once. Was to look at it.

"Find both of them and give it to them." So that they could fulfill the prophecy.

But I never found it.

Never. . . . .

Well the question still remains - "Where is the story!!!"

The Rao's Part 2

this is a continuation of the Roa's Part 1 

.................................................

"Oh god please help him this time! I will fast now every saturday also if he gets the visa. I will walk all the way up the Tirupati hill for your darshan. I will also make sure this time Ramesh shaves his head for you. Oh god! Please help my son." kausalya prayed just like any other Indian mother. This time she had a long list of offerings and just a small request, the Visa.

They say when it comes to the Visa it's all pure luck. 

"After the terrorist attacks, I have heard they are rejecting Visas. I tell you it is very difficult to get one these days. You know my brother's neighbor's son, his Visa was rejected recently. I have heard he even had a 75% in his bachelors. By the way, how much did Ramesh get? Does he has distinction? kausalya... are you even listening to what I am saying?" Malini, kausalya's neighbor was trying to share her insights. 

But.. Kausalya.. she was lost in her prayers. Malini's words, though they reached her ears but they never made it to her mind. 

Kausalya knew only one thing. Each and everything is in the hands of the almighty. And she was determined to please him.

..........................................

"Maaaaaaaa..... I did it... I flying to the USA... MBA.... mom... your son is going to be an M.B.A," Ramesh screamed with joy and hugged Kausalya. At that moment kausalya forgot everything, herself, her god, all she knew that it was the happiest moment of her son's life and so as her's. 

Tears and Kausalya were close sisters. Kausalya expressed her every emotion with tears. She would cry if she was sad, she would cry even if she was happy and even in anger. 

"Your name should have been ganga instead of Kausalya," Srinivas would always remark.

But today they were the happy ones. 

The god of visa had indeed answered her prayers.

"I will have to pay four lakhs as first instalment to the college in a week," Ramesh declared.

"Yes yes. Don't worry. Your father will look after that," Kausalya said with a certain conviction although she didn't knew how her husband, an employee at a small private firm, could manage that.

"In one month I will be in California, USA. Mom do you even know how far is California from here? It takes almost a day even if you travel by the plane," Ramesh seemed all excited about his future.

And all kausalya could see was that her son would leave her and go to some far far land. Twenty two years and never ever was he away from her. Or was he?

She remembered, two years ago Ramesh had gone to a tour with his friends for a week. She remembered how she would call him day and night. She was so worried about his food. And about his safety, infact she never ever wanted to allow him to go so far to Goa all alone with his friends. But Ramesh would not listen to her.

"Will you call me everyday from California?" Asked kausalya with tears in her eyes.

"Of course I will Ma! Maaaaaa... Please don't cry not today at least. I am in such a happy mood," Ramesh tried to cheer her up. 

"Well I have lot of things to do. I need to do my shopping, by the way I need all new clothes I tell you. I will also have to buy a laptop and the most important thing I need to book the ticket as early as possible. There are lot of things. I better write them down," Ramesh was lost in his own world. Infact in his new world.

.........................................

DING DINGG!

"It must be your father. Open the door beta," Kausalya screamed from the Kitchen. 

"Oh mom! Please do it for yourself. I am busy on the internet," Ramesh replied.

Rubbing her face with her dough hands she made a dash to the door. She knew it, it was her husband. 

"Ramesh got the Visa!" kausalya cried out with ecxitment as soon as she saw Srinivas.

"He got the Visa today morning. Didn't I tell you my prayers would be answered." She repeated thinking Srinivas might not have listened to her properly.

Srinivas looked tired more than usual. 

He did hear the news, but there was no excitment, no happiness in his face. No reaction.

'What happened? Let me get you a glass of water first. I know you must be tired," kausalya rushed to fetch a glass of water. 

"So what do you think? Oh! I am sorry. Ramesh should tell you this by himself. let me call him," kausalya tried to call Ramesh but was interrupted by Srinivas.

"No. Not now. I am not in a good mood." 

"What happened? Is everything ok?" 

"Nothing. Just leave me alone for sometime."

"But tell me what happened!" Kausalya tried to ask.

"Nothing. I told you I am not in a good mood!" Srinivas screamed.

"What do you mean you are not in a good mood. Are you not happy for your son? Don't you wish that he should live a happy life? Now that today he has achieved something, isn't it your duty to share his happiness?" kausalya went on.

"It's not that. I am tired. We will talk tommorrow."

"Tommorrow? When do you have time for us? Always work work work. Why did you even marry me when you don't have time." Tears ran through her cheeks.

"There are so many things you should attend to. So many responsibilities. We have to pay the fees in a week. He has to book his flight ticket. Buy few things. It's only a month you know. We also have to go to Tirupati. So many things..... when do we have time to talk." 

"It's not that! You don't understand!"

"What it is that I don't understand?" 

"I lost my job today!!!!" Srinivas screamed and silence followed.

................................................................

to be continued.....

p.s: I dedicate this story to my parents 

...................................................

Note: the characters and the incidents describes in the story are purely fictitious and bear no resemblance with anyone living or dead. Any resemblance is purely a coincidence.

The Voice

Splaaaaash!

I tried to wash my eyes so that I could wake up. I looked at the watch with my eyes half open half closed, still wanting to shut down and go to bed. 

The watch said half past two in the morning. 

I knew it was an odd time but "I have to do this!" I told myself. "Time is never an issue for a writer! And in fact the night is the best time to write, with so much silence!"

Suddenly....

"Oh for GOD sake switch off the light and go back to sleep you fool!!" someone screamed from somewhere. I looked around to find who it was.

"Hello Mr.! Where are you looking? I am speaking from inside you." The voice replied again.

"Inside me?? What the crap are you talking? Are you some kind of ghost or something?" I was terrified. 

"Aaah! You idiot haven't you seen those Indian movies where in the inner conscience reflects in the mirror and talks with the hero! Arey yaar I am your 'Antar-Atma'."

"What the crap are you talking! Why don't you show yourself!" I screamed with fear.

"Well sorry dude! We Antar-Atmas have not yet evolved so much that we can show up ourselves." The voice replied calmly.

I didn't know what to do at all. Fear, confusion, bewilderment, every strange emotion seems to haunt me. 

"How can I trust. I need proof!" I rambled something out of my mouth finally.

"Proof?? Well it's like asking yourself who are you! Well I won't mind your stupidity, go on." 

"Tell me my name..and.. my date of birth!" 

"Mythreya... a.k.a matty, maddy... born on 23rd feb 87 at Kurnool, a small city in Andhra Pradesh. Want more proof? Ask me!"

"My favourite color?"

"black and white. And you like these colours because your ex-girl friend Pooja loved them. And don't be stunned. I also know everything about Pooja. I know that you still love her somewhere deep in your heart, though you pretend as if you have forgotten her and moved on. So what more do you want to know? The first time you met her? The first time you held her hand? First kiss? About your first....."

"Enough! Shut up now! Why the hell are you out of my body suddenly! Let me work. I am a writer!" 

"Aaaaaaaah! Don't tell me this crap! Writer! Who the hell told you so?" 

"What..."

"Writer! Nice way to cover up your joblessness. The thing is your are worthless."

"Now if you don't shut up...."

"What can you do to me? Can you punch yourself? Can you kick yourself? Ha ha ha. Atleast someone is having fun!"

"I don't want to talk to you. Let me do my work. I am begging you, Please!"

"Aah! I hate it when you cry like a sissy. Well show me what are you writing."

"Huh?? I cannot show you anything now...."

"Then tell me your story........ I will tell you how is it."

"Ok.. wait..... well.. I was thinking to write a horror story."

"A horror story! Humm... go on... tell me what it is..."

"The story beings in a gloomy night... the door opens slowly....'keeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk'... the monstrous witch enters... her long poisonous teeth... her sharp nails.... her hair all messed up.... she is very very scary.... and aaaaaah.. yes... who is her victim...  a poor thin man. Yes this is it. This is it!!"

"Whaaaaaat! This does not sound like a horror story to me. This is every married man's story!"

"Oooh is it! I never thought of it that way.. humm... poor chaps! Well... how about romantic stories! Yes romance it is...."

"Humm.. well .. let us see.."

"Romance.. love.... humm.. love happens in college right! College stairs.... before the library.... a beautiful girl is walking with books in her hands... and opposite to her.. a handsome young boy.. is walking straight down towards her.... she is walking.... he is coming .... she is walking.. he is coming... and then suddenly......'DASSSHHH' they hit each other... the books fall down.... the girl bends down to pick up them... the boy helps her.... both of them see each other... eyes meet eyes... breathe meets breathe... and love takes birth... yes.. this is it....THIS IS IT!!!!"

"Hello oo Mr we are not living in the eighties... this is the twenty first century.... love does not happen like this.... today everything is online....online love.. online marriages.... and ...sometimes... even. online... ...honeymoon....."

"Honeymoon!!"

"yeah  yeah.. saw it in some site..."

"Oh! Humm... how about an action thriller?"

"Just shut up haan! You lack everything. Have you read the book "how to write fiction" by Dick Harry? Or his "1001 fiction plots"?"

"Dick harry? Who is he? Is he a famous writer? Has he written any famous stories?"

"Oh no! He is not into fiction. He just helps people write fiction!"

"Oh!"

"Well you see there should be planning, you should have a format on how to write a story.... make a plan... choose the plot.... choose the characters... mix some emotions.... add some masala to the climax... and we have a perfect story!" 

"ooh... doesn't it look like cooking a dish!"

"Well story writing is in fact cooking..... that's why they say...'cooking up a story!'"

"Humm..."

"What the hell are you talking to yourself at five in the morning! Didn't you sleep?" My mom suddenly came from the behind.

"Woooh! Mom.. you scared me! I was cooking....err...writing a story!"

"oh! So you got a story? No.... i figured out I don't have the right ingredients!"

"Huh? Humm.. this boy is really crazy!"

................................................................................

p.s: people say when you are confused listen to your inner-conscience. I did it and I got this!

 

The Rao's Part 1

"kausalya! Kausalya! Where is my shirt? You know I am getting late to office, I told you yesterday night I have a meeting with my Director today!" screamed Srinivas running out the bathroom with a towel covering his 'vital' parts and water dripping all over the floor.

"Coming coming!" Kausalya ran from the kitchen to help her husband. She slipped on the wet floor but caught hold of the door and saved herself from a fall.

"How many times have I told you to dry up yourself in the bathroom itself! What if I had slipped and fell on floor. Had I factured my leg you would have had to shell out some ten grand for the doctor's bill! And who would have cooked for you? Your mother?" Kausalya replied back to her husband sharply.  She was relieved that she had escaped the fall but she was sad that now she had to clean up the floor all by herself. 

"Atleast eat your breakfast!" kausalya squawked from the back.

"No no! I have to run or I will miss the bus!" Srinivas defended. 

Srinivas dashed towards the exit.

Almost an hour later in the nearby room someone was trying to still sleep even as the sungod trying to wake him himself. 

"Beta! Wake up! Its ten in the morning." kausalya shouted in her usual tone.

"Mom! I slept at two in the morning. Let me have some sleep." Ramesh replied in a sleepy mood.

But he knew it, it was the end of his lovely dream in which he was laying almost naked with three girls on a beach and doing things which are unmentionable in a country like India and unthinkable in a family like the Roa's!

While Ramesh was having his breakfast, kausalya asked, "so what are your plans today? Are you going out? should i cook lunch for you?"

Ramesh paused for a whole minute and thought about things he was supposed to do or might do. When nothing came to his mind, he promptly called Rahul. 

"Hi dude? What! still in bed you idiot! Wake up man..... Hey by the way, how about a movie?.....

 the afternoon show? ... what! we already saw all the movies? nothing left out? .... hey wait a minute.... we didn't see 'Ratoon ki rani' ... oh its not worth! ...nothing ..no scenes kya? ... oh God!   then what shall we do man!! .... do one thing.. just come to my place we will decide.. i am hanging up.... balance low... bye!" Ramesh wondered what he would today. 

"Why don't you go the sidhivinayaka temple today and pray for your MBA result! God's grace is a must in such matters! I am even fasting for you every thursday!" kausalya justified. 

"Mom! Please don't get started now! I am very busy. And anyway, I am sure God has lot to do than to listen to my prayers." Ramesh stated stolidly.

"I tell you its waste arguing with you!" kausalya tried to convince but she knew it was waste. 

"By the way? What is Rahul doing these days? Is he also joining MBA this time?" She enquired. 

She thought it was her parental duty to know about her son's friends. A person's character is judged by the kind of friend's he has. She had read this somewhere.

Kausalya has always wanted Ramesh to do his MBA because one of her distant relatives son had also done his MBA and was now residing in the US of A. 

Though Kausalya never even dreamt of a life without Ramesh, but still she felt her son's life would be secured in the United States of America than the Andhra state of India. She even heard Srinivas telling "the competition in India is too high. All because of population. And the government is so biased. Reservations even in higher education! And we suffer because we were born in a forward caste! This is so injustice!" 

Kausalya had always wished a better life for her son. 

.................................................................

 

Kausalya woke up early that day. It was the judgement day. It was the day her future would be decided. Appa had decided to marry off her if she again failed this time. Her mother was silent as usual and played no significant role rather than cooking and keeping the house clean, so Kausalya couldn't expect any help from her. 

Ramu, he little brother bought her the newspaper. She trembled as she flipped through the pages. '

What if she passed, will appa agree to send her to Madras to study? After all there was no college in her village. How can she stay without appa and amma?' Her mind dwindled around these thoughts. But fate had something else for her.

"The girl cooks very well and also knows stitching. She also sings very well." Amma spoke to a fat lady with hope in her eyes. But nothing seem to convince the fat lady. 

"kausalya please sing the sitarama kalyanam song." Amma asked her.

Kausalya was very nervous. All eyes were fixed on her. Amma had strictly ordered her to not even look up and answer only when asked. 

But admist all these, kausalya quickly glanced from the corner of her eye to have a look at the prospectus groom. He was not at all like she had imagined. He didn't wear the tight bell bottoms, nor did he had the stylish ring the south indian heroes had. She was disappointed.

A week after a letter arrived stating that the fat lady was pleased to accept Kausalya as her daughter-in-law but she had also sent a list of things they wanted and the probable date of marriage. But no one asked what kausalya wanted.   

............................................................

Twenty eight years later, cleaning the shelf, kausalya looked at her wedding photo and thought for a second, was this the life she wanted? Srinivas was a good man. He earned a decent salary. He came home early from work. Never said anything to his wife. What else was needed? 

Suddenly she found something. It was a small Vinayaka Idol. Srinivas had gifted it to her on their first anniversary. She smiled looking at it.

She wondered sometimes if Srinivas now remembered  their anniversary or as a matter of fact even her birthday!

'When was the last time Srinivas took her to a movie or to a restaraunt...' she barely remembered any such incident. 

It was years when they last made love.

All their life they had worked hard so that they could afford this thousand square feet apartment and could save for Ramesh's higher studies. 

They never bothered about themselves. 

Srinivas would proudly say "My assest is my son! What more do I need?".

Queitly dusting the books kausalya wondered how they would be able to live when their son leaves for the USA. But what will he eat there? Will he get the same food? She had even heard that the people in the US of A eat cow's meat! 

She was worried how will her vegetarian Brahmin son survive in that country! 

"I will have to pack him atleast five jars of pickels. My poor son!" She tried to console herself.

The Solitary Reaper...

Alone he cuts and binds the grain...
And sings a melancholy strain.
Will no one tell me what he sings?
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow..
For old, unhappy, far-off things...
or about the love lost..
and about the infinite emptiness....
................


POOOOOOOOOOMMPP!!
The siren of the factory blew... it was my alarm clock...
it told me.. "Oh old man.. its seven thirty in the morning.. get up!!"
Early in the morning... the radio told me today's headlines..
rape, murders, deaths, accidents,
how the ministers made new promises..
But.. how.. the farmers killed themselves...
How we were finally.. "DEVELOPING".
Well.. I finally got up.. as the radio signaled me that it was time to take my bath.

DINGG DONG!!
I opened the door very excitedly..
The sight of a human being still thrilled me...
Maybe.. some relative.. some friend from my distant past..

"Your Lunch Sir!" The Dabawallah handed me my lunch carriage.

I saw Pinku walk past me...
"Hello Grandpa.. I am going to school.. Bye bye!!"
"Bye Bye Dear son! Read well!!" I smiled for the first time in the day...
"And will you come to play with me in the evening?" I asked him..
"No.. You don't have a TV in your house... " He said sadly..
It was true..
An old man.. couldn't afford a colour TV with his pension.
I saw him ride his cycle till the end of the street..


Suddenly.. my eyes fell on a old photo album which fell down from the shelf..
It was my marriage album!

I looked at the date...
Thirtieth march 1968...
I suddenly realized.. it was today...

"Sulbha... Sulbha... it's our wedding anniversary...
I still remember the night when we got married... I had not even seen you properly...

Do you remember the day.. when I got my first promotion...
You made that day my happiest day of my life.. by telling me the good news of your pregnancy.
We were soo happy..
How we thought.. we would.. name our son 'Vinay' and if its a daughter 'Nimmi' or.. was it 'Simmi'..
Sorry dear... my memory is really at a loss these days...
Thank God I atleast remember you...
And.. ya..How.. we dreamed... how you would take him to the school..
then.. high school.. college...
How we would see him as an engineer!
But....
fate had something else for us..."
.........


Bhiwandi, 1970
the dreadful year...
We were all happy.. until one day..
I don't know what happened....
They screamed all over the Radio and newspapers "RIOTS! RIOTS!"
I had no idea until...
My own house was burned down...
My shop was tore apart..
I fled somehow..

But..

My Seven Month pregnant wife..couldn't escape!
She was burnt alive...

And I was left to die for the rest of my life....
these forty years I spent my life like a dead man...
With no reason to live.... No reason to survive...

This house..
I feel so.....
I scream ... no one hears...
I cry.. no one sees...
I wonder.. If I die..then.. my body would dispose here itself...
...................


I wrote my 'Will' today..
You might think what this old man has to give...
Well..
My dear friends..
there is soo much..
I wrote off my eyes to a blind boy...
I wrote off my kidneys to a needy young man...
I wrote off...

And ya..
This small home of mine...
will be the home for children...

I had no life till now..
But NO MORE!
My eyes will see through some else.. they will enjoy the beauty..
My home will once again be filled with laughter of the kids..
They will be my legacy...
My heir...

........


PS: Thanks to William Wordsworth for allowing to use his poem.

This post is dedicated to the WORLD THEATER DAY, March 27th

The Demise...

Tip.....Tip.....Tip......
water drops from no where fell upon me...
SPLASH!
It became bigger....
It started raining.....
I wanted to run like all others and find a shelter for myself....
But I could not!
"No more....." screamed my heart....I had run for a long time now.....

. . . . . . .

I came home late that day....
I searched for him all over the place...
the night was dreadful...
the lights went off...it was pitch dark...
"Don't be afraid of the dark! You are a big boy now!" His words echoed in my ears.
Suddenly something struck me........ the prompt realization!

I saw my mother lit a candle....
her face gleamed as she held it....
her eyes were dried out.... just like the arid rivers in the summer...
not a drop of water!
her face like the barren soil of the south...
those drought hit wrinkles....
suddenly she looked so old to me.....
She was one of the most beautiful women I had ever known....
But...no more....

we had moved to a smaller place now.....
someone suggested it would help us move on...
but we all knew the fact...
we no more could afford a bigger place......
neither did we needed it!

I never ever dreamt even in my worst nightmares that things would shape up like this...
when it actually started ..when it ended.. I had no clue...
I knew nothing... I still wondered how did I even fit in here...
the reason....... was beyond me....

Murthy, my father's brother arrived and thus my uncle.... arrived....
"Don't you worry vadinaa*, I had sorted it out.... hari would work at my friend's office once he completes his exams. Four thousand a month is the pay." He tried to assure my mother..... who didn't speak a word...
I wondered if she had even heard them.....

"One more thing... I think the time has come to divide the property. I know it is too early for you.... but try to understand me... I have to daughter to marry off. I met the lawyer today....
he will brief you everything tomorrow." My uncle divulged.
"It's even better for you... it will help you pay your debts..." He added.

It might be my age which disabled me me to interpret the whole monologue...
but I still figured out that... troubles were brewing right behind our backs.....

. . . . . . .

slowly....
we started our selling business....
mother said we don't need few things anymore.
but I knew.... what we really needed!
the huge sofa set...
the heavy bullet...my father's bike... it was really no use now... unless I had to wait for four more years to officially ride it.
but what still confused me was...my mother's jewellery...
I still wondered why she considered it useless now.

. . . . . .

It was Diwali...
But we didn't celebrate...
we were not supposed to... that's what mother said....
I felt bad at the beginning but then...
when I calculated the amount of money I would save upon the crackers, sweets and the dress...
I felt relieved.

Then the new year arrived....
We were not supposed to wish anyone happy new year...
well..that's what my mother said!
For the first time time... I didn't send a new year card to my favourite cousin Sheela.
Neither did she...
I wondered if even her mother told her not to wish anyone..
was it also a not-a-happy-new-year for her also?

Time passed at a snail's pace...
The summer arrived...
I completed my schooling.
Ninety four percent... read my scorecard.

"congratulations! your son topped the whole district...."
for the first time in months I saw a slight hint of happiness in my mother's face..
still tears rolled down her face...
I somehow got used to them...

"Don't you worry vadina, I have sorted it out .... Hari would study at Hyderabad and I will also make sure he gets a scholarship including fees exemption." My uncle Murthy announced.
I wondered if I didn't needed to go to his friend's office now.

"One more thing... I heard you sold the bullet last year.. and it fetched a good price... Brother always thought of gifting me the bullet. Please don't take it wrong... as even Hari's fees is exempted I was wondering if you could give me half the money of the bullet.... I have a daughter to marry off...please understand my position...." My uncle spoke..

But my mother still maintained her calmness.
Silence is sometimes eternal... I learnt soon.

. . . . . .

It was time to leave....
my hometown....
my school....
my friends....
my childhood...
my memories....

I was glad mother was coming along...
My maternal uncle made the arrangements for us this time....
Mother would teach in a school...he affirmed.
Thank god Murthy uncle didn't sort out anything this time...
I was to join a college ... No fees and scholarship...

. . . . . .

I joined the college...
It was beautiful....
Huge buildings...
even the city was too big.....
Mother asked me to be careful......
"Make good friends. And don't you get lost anywhere!" She ordered.

I had to fill in my add mission form.....

Name: Hari
Father's name: Late sri Dharma raju
Age: 14

......

Vadina* : A Telugu word for sister-in-law

Two Sides of a Coin....

THE SIN...........

I walk through the door slowly.... but allow her to hear my footsteps....

She stands like a rock......
holding everything inside...... and giving me nothing but the silence....
I wish I could read her mind....i wish i could interpret those woeful thoughts haunting her...
I wish i could tell her....

'Don't worry everything will be fine.....'
but....

It was late...but she doesn't scream at me...as she used to ....
no sign of concern...

I still remember those beautiful days...
when we were young and newly married...
smitten by cupid...
when i used to love her by the day....and by the night....

Things change... and sometimes for the worse....

I feel the coldness even in the hot summer nights.....
It was days when we last shared a conversation...
or even when we dined together...

love.... seemed to be breathing its last breathe....
and the end seemed to begin....

I walk past to her...
her eyes...still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen...
but....the touch of her hair..... the smell of her body...
mere memories to me now....

I gather courage to break the long lasting silence....
"what is it that trouble you, my lady?"

She looks into my eyes and quickly moves them away from my sight...
she hangs her head down.... seeming smitten by the "Guilt" bug...
tears roll down her eyes...
'something bad' my heart tells me...
finally words pop out her mouth..

"I am pregnant"

................................................................................................................................


THE SINNER...............

The click strikes 11....
Still no sight of him...It's the same all the days...
This loneliness is killing me....
All day I sit idle... and wait all night...
months have passes since we last made love...

has the love died a rotten death??
or .. did it never take birth in the first place????

anyway...how do you expect love in arranged marriage!!

.................

I met him few days ago....
He is funny...handsome.... and likes me...

Am I doing anything wrong???
I know I am not supposed to act like this..but I am not able to help it..
Why do I feel like a teenager ....
why am I attracted to him so much....

NO!! I am a married woman....This is wrong!!

.................

I have never felt this way before....
it was like the first time...
same nervousness.......same excitement...
emotions running high.......and we were ready to be consumed by them...
how could i feel so different with him in the same act.......
I feel like jumping in the air and yelling at the top of my voice... to the whole world that i love him.. love him my whole life....
he is my knight in shining armor...my man of my dreams...
a part of me who completed me......the way i completed him.......
we are one and whole.....
how much i wish to be with him right now... how much...

...........................

I have done the biggest mistake of my life...
I cheated my husband....
I cheated my family...my parents..their trust...everyone..

Why was i so blind??

Why is love such a boisterous thing...
why does it pricks likes thorns...

why can't I have a happy ending..........

..........................................................................................................................................................................




PS: This blog is dedicated to my friends and all time critics...Deepi and Srats....

An Untold Story. . .

Few stories start on a lonely night, few on a battle field and few over a glass of rum. But few remain untold. . . .

I looked again from the corner of my eye, she looked the same always, beautiful.

I don't remember when it all started, maybe months now.
I made up my mind I will talk with her today, yes I will.
I went near her, she pretended as is she didn't see me coming; I tried to open my mouth but then, my legs shivered, and after a second, she was gone. . . .

"forget it dude. you are a coward" Nikki snapped from behind. She was the only friend I had.
"ok ok! there is always a tomorrow, isn't it?" I gave her a sheepish smile.
"whatever" She sighed.

"Beta wake up! You got to go t school!" My mom screamed early in the morning.

Yes. Indeed I was late to school.
She didn't come to school today!
'what happened to her? Is she ill? Oh god how is she now?' All thoughts troubled me.
"Pinky why didn't komal come today?" Pinky was her best friend and also my neighbor.
"How do I know lover boy!" Pinky laughed at me.

It was 6:20 and I was as usual late for my maths tuition.
"So early today? You should have taken your time, why did you rush?" My tuition sir was always filled with sarcasm.
"Sir, actually. . . ."
"Shut up and sit down" He yelled.

I sat down, suddenly my eyes fell on her.
'what is she doing here! Wow!' I looked at her in shock.
"Don't stare at her like this you jerk!" Nikki murmured.
"She just joined today."
"Wow! That's great." I was smiling with joy.
After the tuition was over, she walked straight towards me. I was shocked. . .

She came near and said, "Can you please you take out your cycle fast. I have to take my scooty."
I didn't say a word. Just watched her silently.
"Nikki!! Did you see that!"i screamed in joy. . .
"what she saying you to move your ass?? yeah i did see that"
"whatever. . . she talked with me!" I was all smiles.

After a boring week, I was again puffing and huffing to my tuition. My cycle broke down, so I had to walk all the way.

PEEP PEEP
I turned around and saw her smiling.
"Hi. You walking today? Where's your cycle?" She asked
"Aaaa. . ."
(I pinched myself to make sure I was not dreaming)
"Awww. . ."
"what happened?"
"Err. . . nothing, well my cycle broke down." Somehow I manged to force the words out of my mouth this time.
"Oh! Well It's already six. Don't you think you will be late again?" She questioned.
"Well yeah, I am gonna die!" I said worriedly.
"Don't you worry. I can drop you. " She said with a grin.
"Huh. . " I didn't knew what to say. This was more than a dream-come-true for me.
"Do you wanna drive?" She asked doubtfully.
"Well. . . aaa. . .actually I don't know how to drive?" I said awkwardly.
"What! Haa. ."She laughed in disbelief.
'Damn It!' I screamed to myself.

Days passed. Our friendship blossomed and so did my love for her.
Few days later. . .
My phone rang.
"Hulo. Oh Komal. . . .Hi. ." I answered the call.
She, "What are you doing? Hope you are free. . . .I was thinking if you could with to. . . ."
"Oh sure! I will be there. . . ." I happily agreed.

It was a kind of a semi-date you can say. We had also planned to go a movie.
I called Nikki, she was agony aunt.
"Nikks, she asked me out. . . ." I screamed.
"Humm. . . .so you are on. Whats on the cards? Movie. . . and?? By the way, do you have money??" She asked
"Money!! Aargh! I am out of cash yaar. What do I do?" I was worried.
"Ask your mom!" She.
"Naah! She would kill me if I told her I was going to a movie. She would stop me from going out."
"Well then steal!" Nikki replied
"What Steal! Are you crazy? And from where do I steal" I shouted.
"Well you got no other option also. Take money from your mom's purse. believe me it's ok. When you get your allowance just replace it." She suggested.
I really didn't had any other option.

After the movie and shopping we went to an Ice-cream parlor.
She smiled at me. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
"I have come up with a name for you?" SHE said proudly.
"What! Really?" I replied somewhat surprised and somewhat curiously.
"Matty! Did you like it?" She looked at me eagerly waiting for an applaud.
yeah girls love this "nick-naming" sessions. If given a chance they would name every single soul
they know.
"why not i also give you a nick-name?. . . How about Komli. . .naah. . . komi? Koms? Komolika??" I made fun of her. . .but we agreed that komal siuted her and "matty" was a lovely name. I loved the name and loved her more than me.

Six months later, the board exam was over. Everyone was so happy. We felt like the kings; like we had conquered something. We had finished schooling.

"I have a good news." My dad announced.
"We are shifting to Hyderabad!" He said happily.
"wow thats great." my mom was happy than ever.
"what!! I won't come. I am not going anywhere. I have all my friends here. How can you expect me to leave this place." I screamed, I was angry, I was shocked. The very thought of leaving all my friends bought a chill in my veins.

But I knew everything was in vain. My parents were determined as we were actually moving to our hometown but I wanted to tell them that this is my home, this is my heaven, these are my friends. I can't live without them. But they didn't listen. Who would to a 15 year old. . . .

The time came for my farewell. Komal and Nikks had come to the station.
I tell you I really hate these farewells. I hate to leave my best friends.
But. . .

We promised to remain in touch. And we did so. Phone internet letters we had done everything.
I missed her more than everything. I pinned for her. Every second I thought of her. Every other girl reminded me of her.
Four years passed by. But our friendship never drifted. Though sometimes I felt she was no more the sweet little girl I knew, but. . .

It was summer. I was going to hometown. To my friends. To Nikks, To her. . . .
I reached the city. The streets didn't change, I felt like a lost boy reuniting with her mother. Nikki came to pick me up. She was the same, my best girl, my best friend.
I called up komal and we decided to meet at out old meeting point.

I was nervous. . . .do I look good? what will she say after seeing me? I would tell her how much I love her. She would also say yes. Yes she loves me. . .

We met, we shook our hands, exchanged smiles. She looked beautiful.
And. . .

"Riiiing Riiing" Her mobile rang.

Afetr few mins. . .
"Oh sorry it was my boy friend. . . ." She said to me.

I smiled at my fate and my heart cried . . . .

That was my first love.

A Story

"How is the patient doctor?" Sai asked the doctor. . .
(Sai was a medical student in the hospital. . )

"Oh! He will be fine in few days. you seem to be very curious! Do you know him?"
"Yeah i know him very well. He is from my village."
"Oh! Then you must also know the old lady who keeps asking about him too. "

"An old lady! Where is she?"
"She is in the waiting hall . . . . but wouldn't tell us how is she related to him."

Suddenly like a storm Sai's mind rolled back into his past. . .
Something told him it was her. . .

He rushed to the waiting hall. . .

She was in her fifties but looked a lot older. . .
her face was wrinkled. . .
eyes holding back a great grief. . .
but like her tears had dried out. . .

but still Sai knew well it was her. . .

Tears trickled down Sai's eyes. . .
The doctor asked "What happened? why are you so sad looking at her?"

"Her name is Shantamma. She is the mother of the patient."


Ten years back . . . .

Madhav Shastri was the head priest of his small village. He was also the sarpanch.
Shantamma was his wife.

The whole village respected Shastri and Shantamma was no less than a goddess to the villagers.

Ramu was the son of satyamma. Satyamma had lost her husband long ago.
She maid for the Shatri's home.

Though Ramu was a son of a maid, but Shantamma loved him just as her son.
Ramu stayed mostly with the Shastri's eating and playing the kids. . .
Shantamma even sent him to school with her children.

Everything was fine till one day. . .

Ramu fell sick terribly. .
his body hot, shivering. . .
in the beginning everyone thought it was a mere fever. .
Shantamma the physician was called. .
he gave few potions mad from the herbs. .

"I have given the medicine but it may take a week or two. . . " said the physician.

A whole week passed but Ramu's health didn't improve. .
Ramu's uncle Ramesh suggested another physician to be called. .

Though Shantamma suggested to wait for a week but no one listened as they grew desperate. . .

Another physician from the nearby village was called . . .
He checked Ramu and said with gloomy face. . .

"The boy is suffering from dosh gunam"

Everyone was shocked. . .
They knew well what it meant. . .

"dosh gunam" was a popular belief of the villagers that if any woman sexually harassed a boy or forced him into sex with her then he would fall ill with this sickness. . .
They believed the only way to cure it was to bring the blood from the thighs of the women and put it on the boy's eyes. . .

Now the question was who did it?

Everyone knew Ramu was always with only two women. . .
His mother and . . . .

Shantamma. . .

Ramesh grew angry. . .

He along with few villagers thronged at Shastri's house. . .

Shastri believed in his wife's innocence and ordered them to leave immediately . . .

Four days passed Ramu's health become even worse. . .
Ramesh was desperate. . .

He again thronged towards Shastr's home. . .

This time he pleaded to save the boy's life. . .

Sashtri believed in his wife but then. . . .

He said. . .

"I will give my wife's blood. . .If it doesn't work i shall have your head cut off. . . "

Shantamma couldn't take this insult. . .
But was forced. . .

The blood was bought and put 9in the eyes of the boy. . .

The night was dreadful . . .
No one could sleep. . .

"What if it were true. . .what if Ramu really gets cured. . .no no!!
This is not possible!!!"
All sorts of thoughts crept Shastri's mind. . .

The doom's day arrived. . .

To everyone's astonishment. .

The boy was cured!!!!

Shantamma was thrown out of the village and she was branded as a bitch. . .

Shastri killed himself out of insult. . .


"So was Shantamma really guilty?" asked the doctor. . . who listened the whole story. . .

"No she was not. . ."

"How do you know it?"

"Because I am Ramu. My full name is Sai Ram.
And I know the truth. . . ."


PS : the story was inspired from an old Telugu movie called "GRAHANAM"