The baby Sitter

Are you afraid of the dark?
Do you have nightmares of some cannibal tribes running behind you, to make their dinner out of you?
Do the ghost of some girl in white sari, singing a some old song and holding a candle in her hand, haunt you?


Never Mind! these questions have nothing to do, just read on. . .

Another lazy weekend, well nowadays there is no much difference between a weekend and a weekday, they all are the same!
but our dear Mr.Fate doesn't seem to be happy with my easy life. . .

well thanks to matty's help center I have been receiving many calls for help!!

My mom's friend had to leave the town urgently and so she had to ask someone to take care of her kids and house till her husband returns from office!
and my mom out of her generosity. . .

Mom (to her friend): "why do you worry Gita, don't worry i will send my son to your place, he is anyway useless, all the day he does is eat sleep and get fat! he has not done anything since ages. Let me give him some work today! Now don't you worry and get going!"

well that was my mom!
and so i went. . .of course no one asked me if i could chose not to go. . .they just ordered!!
I was now officially the BABY SITTER!!

The kids, a 9 yr old boy and 4 yr old girl, well. . . they looked nice, very calm and well mannered.
I looked at them, and thought. . it might not be that bad after all, they are after all small cute and very good kids, what can possibly go wrong. . . .
you will later know that this was my biggest mistake!!

Their mother left soon.
I rested my ass on the couch and switched on the TV.
The little girl came near me and whispered "POGO".
then she grabbed the remote from me and switched on the channel, well as someone rightly said, girls know what they want!!

If you have any grudges against anyone just kidnap them and make them watch Pogo! believe me this was some 3rd degree torture. . .GOD!!
How the hell can you watch some colorful puppets and few stupid things i don't know what they were but well the girl kept on jumping from her feet crying. . "Teletubbies!!!!!"
After sometime i switched to the Discovery channel, it was showing some giraffes mating. The girl asked me "the boy asked me what were they doing?"
"lets watch Bob the builder" i said. Thank god the little girl didn't open her mouth. I preferred pogo for the rest of the day. . .

Oooh! well i thought atleast that makes her silent and the boy . . .
wait a min. . . i had forgotten about the boy. . .where the hell was he. . he was here a min ago. . .
In the Bedroom. . No, kitchen . . .no, reading room. . no, toilet. . . . No!! Balcony. . .No. . . . .
WTF!!!!
where has been lost??
I went out and screamed his name. . .no response. . .
god this boy. . . then i saw him in the basement. .
pheew!
"Don't you ever leave the house without telling me!!" I screamed at him. .

Finally getting back to the house, i thought maybe it was time for lunch!
I said" well lets see what we got"! wow we have the spinach curry and the radish sambhar, and oooo we have rasam also!!" I hated those dishes. . but the baby sitter rule book says always act as if you love the food and make the kids eat properly!
(btw. . .rasam and sambhar are south indian dishes, and for god sake dont ask me their recipes now)
The little girl,"ewwwww! I want potato curry" and the boy,"i want a pizza" they both said in unison.
"Huh! well do you want to be strong like me, then eat this!"
everything in vain. . .they wont eat. finally after bribing them with chocolates, they agreed and i also had to promise the pizza!

Just then. . .rahul called "Dude? where r u? Come fast we all are going to the party! And the good thing is Teja is paying the bill. . ."
me, " Err. . sorry dude. . .i have some work. . ."
"work what work, you lazy bum, get ur ass down here. . .wtf r u doing? you got no girl friends even? whats keeping you busy"rahul screamed!
"well i am scrutinizing the child prodigies. . ."
"What the hell. . . .you r baby sitting??? ooh my god!! lol...." rahul almost fell down laughing. i could sense it.
humm. . . .well it happens. . .sometimes you have to give up biryani and tandoori for sambhar and rasam!!

"Bhaiya can I order the pizza?"
oooh. . .i forgot. . .well not bad I got the pizza right?
"My chocolates??" the little girl shouted from behind. . .
got to admit these kids have a good memory. . .

I took the girl to the candy store and the boy sits in the house and calls the pizzahut. .
Girl,"i want dairymilk, no i want milkybar. . .no i want. . .no that. . ."
"I want all of them. . . ."she said her final verdict!
"what!! No way. You can only one. take one. Ok i will buy you dairy milk thats it."
"Nooooooooo i want all. . .i want all. . . .i want all. . . .mummy....i want mommy!!!!"
"Ok ok. . .fineee!!!!"

finally she stopped her crying. . . .man!!
we went back. .
then after exactly twenty eight mins the pizza boy arrives, oooh i wish he was late by two moire mins and i would have got the order free. . . .
"Sir here is your order. . .extra large chicken pizza, extra large paneer pizza, and a medium capsicum pizza along with ginger bread and french fries and of course coke!!!!" the pizza boy said.
"what!! I think you have mistaken somebody's order with mine. I didn't order these many things!" common we were just three not even three . . .i mean they were just two kids. . how much can they eat!!
"bhaiya! i ordered it!!"
"whattttttt??? why? why did you order so many pizzas?" i howled
he,"well i figured out we were three and so three pizza and i ordered a medium one for munni"
me,"whattttt? oh god!!!!!!!"
finally after shelling out 800 bucks I was left with pizzas and pizzas and more pizzas. . .
we could distribute them to the whole neighborhood and still few pieces would remain!

"I want a cake!" the little girl announced. . ."I don't want pizza. . ."
believe me these kids were so small but still they desired the whole world. . .
"Cake!! i gave the chocolates now shut ur mouth and sit down" I screamed

she cried and cried out louder. . .
i had to do soemthing. . ."ok fine i will get you the cake!"
I sent the boy to get some milk cakes from the store. . .

20 mins passed by he did not return. i waited.
40 mins. . ."what is making him so late!" i thought. now I was worried. . .
I held the girl and set out to look for him.
He was not in the basement, neither in the store, nor in the street. . .
even the watchman had not seen him. . .
Now i was tensed. . .
it was more than an hour now.

What should I do? Should I call his mom, no maybe his dad,
I am such a fool, I should have never sent him. what am i gonna do. . .

I set out with the watchman to search for the boy,
he was no where. . .
then suddenly i saw a group of boys playing cricket in the other lane,
and. . .

he was there. . .
Thankkk God!!! I thought. . .
I slapped on his face "If you do this again I am gonna kill you"
He cried she cried.
God kids are such a pain in the ass. . .
they me go crazy. . .

Finally we returned home and watched pogo and ate pizzas for dinner.
It was 9 pm and uncle arrived.

"how r u? hope the kids didn't truble you much!"he said.
"oh no. . .they were very good. In fact i had a great time" and I exchanged looks with the kids!!!

Tagged again. . . . .

Everyone is doing a lot of tagging and yeah i have also joined the race. ssnab tagged me! that was sweet of you dear. . .

here it goes. . .

1.Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it..
i got one on my head, near my right ear. . .no wait. . .is it left or right. . . yeah the right! i got it when i was a kid playing with my friends, actually i accidentally hit something i don't remember, but yeah that cost me my first trip to hospital after i was born, and gave me two stitches!

2. What does your phone look like?
shiny black, with blue tooth, 5 mega pixel camera, slide phone, the hottest thing, every man's dream mobile. . .
err... no this is certainly not my phone!!!!
all i have is just an old NOKIA 1100!!
someone said "phone sirf baat karne ke liye hai" yeah thats apt for me!!

3. What is on the walls of your bedroom?
apart from cobwebs, i got Dennis the mennis, and yeah i got few more things. . .
one saying "TIME IS MONEY" (i really don't know what the hell that was doing, might me my mom put it when i was fast asleep) and other a portrait of Krishna and Arjuna, the famous BHAGWADGITA war scene!

4. What is your current desktop picture?
a pic of my friends and me at a beach. a had a blast that day....

5. Do you believe in gay marriage?
well i find it really crazy but still India is a free country and everyone has his/her own freedom. so i think it's just fine.

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
i got a long list of things i desperately need but right now i need more than anything is my best friends! They are 1155 kms away from me! Aaah I miss you nikks, panda and ants!!! love u guys!

7. Last person who made you cry?
the last time i cried it was some 5-6 yrs ago when i was at school and i was leaving for hyderabad away from my home, my friends.

8. What is your favorite perfume/cologne?
Escape, Obsession, and many more....

9. What are you listening to?
My mom...... threatening me for the zillionth time to shut down my computer and read soemthing...yeah i got exam this sunday!!

10. Do you get scared of the dark?
i used to when i was a 10yrs old.... i always thought there was something under my bed and it's gonna suddenly come out and eat me!

11. Do you like pain killers?
is this a question!!! duh!!

12. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
i am not shy but tired of asking every single girl i meet!

13. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
hell lot of them...
panipuri, ice creams, french fries, cakes, kabas, everything!!!
but if i have to choose only one...
then it will be, chocolate chip cookies!! i just love them!

14. Who was the last person who made you mad?
rahul!! he hit me yesterday night on my leg and it's still paining. Rahul i am gonn akill you soon!

15. Who was the last person who made you smile?
I smile very often! But the last person was Jim Carry in "Ace Ventura: when nature calls!"

16. Is someone in love with you?
i don't know! she never told me!

time to pass on the tag....
i pass this tag to zahid deeps raul sammy manisha
and all those who have not done this tag!

MATTY's HELP CENTER!!

No no! Please don't think otherwise. I didn't open any help center.

Everyone wants a piece of me.
Dad wants me to go to the Bank! Stand in the queue for hours together and obviously you wont even find cute girls who would talk with you very sweetly in a State bank!

Mom wants me to get the groceries.
GOD!!!!!
Picking up stuff from supermarket, it really sucks!
All the middle aged housewives do that.

The sales girl gave me a wried look when i asked her fair and lovely . . . .
"Sir, we do have the Men's cream! Try those!"
Aaragh!!!@#$%

Even my bro doesn't spare me!
He wants me to go to some crap bank and pay his credit card bill.
Common! Is this justified!
ok. . . . .I used his credit card,
ok. . . . .He gave me 2000 bucks,
ok. . . . .Even he is paying for MY bills,
ok. . . . .He is pretty busy!
but. . . . .

Fine i will do it!!!!

And my friend(girl) calls me and says
"Matty! Go and find about the institutes regarding projects"

Now. . . i can't be the bad boy with a sweet little girl!

And just now my neighbor called me, he wants me to go and get a pc for his son!!!
aaaaaaah!!

Hummmm. . .

And still my mom and dad say I am good for nothing! I don't do anything, I am jobless. . . . .
blah blah and blah

And i again screwed up as usual, forgot my SNAP mock exam! Thanx to lady SRATS!!!
yeah i asked a girl to tell me when it is. . . and she. . . .

Tagged!!

Finally I have been tagged, by my dear friend zahid.
Thanx dude. . .

well here goes d tag!!

8 Facts about Matty. . .

1. Being Matty, the indolent, feckless, corpulent, wretched and the moronic, was pretty difficult on my part! But I am proud I lived to my expectations!
I guess that told a lot about me!!

2. I am a gourmet. But I can't make myself even an omelet properly!

3. I believe in the fact that, "Everything is fair in love, war and an EXAM!!" I have been successfully copying in exams and never been caught till now! And Rahul is my partner in crime.

4. I am a hypersomniac. (Hypersomnia is a disease in which the patient suffers from excessively sleeping). Given a chance i would sleep fpr 24hrs at a stretch!

5. I have this worst habit of talking to myself! And hence I encounter many strange, sheepish looks from people around me.

6. BFL(big fat liar). I lie to my parents, I lied in my job interviews, I lied to my ex and . . .a long list.

7. I even suffer from partial amnesia. Like I always forget the dates, the birthdays, and anniversaries. I am always doubtful "Did I brush today? Did I take my bath? Did I lock the door? . . . . and most importantly when I borrow money or books from my friends, it instantly gets erased from my pea-sized brain!!

8. I am a Big Movie Freak! I watch hell lot of movies, if I don't get to see them in the theater then I get the DVDs. Of course the pirated ones!!!!!

Phew!
Enough of truth and self-humiliation!!!

Now time for me to tag someone. . I tag ssnab and bizarrekid.

The Courier

DING DONG!!!!!!
I really really hate it when someone knocks at the door when i am fast asleep!
Common is 11 am a time to wake up. . . .that too in holidays!!!!!!!!!

I got up somehow and went upto the door! It was a courier guy.
Now who the hell had couriered me???

It was the Symbiosis Institute of management. I really don't know if i would get a seat into any of these B-Schools but i had applied to all of them, just in case my luck favors me!!!!!!

But really a heavy package! What the hell did he send me btw. . .

wait a min. . . . .
Oh gosh!!

I not only received my application form but also someone else's!!
Humm these courier guys. . . . they r soo careless!!!
And he was already gone.

let me see. . . .ummmm. . .
wait. . . i have the applicant's number on the form!!
The address read. . .

NEHA JAIN,
10-23/12, Malakpet,
Hyderabad.
Ph: 09985143143

Nice name!!
Common how could I not help her. . . I mean it's her application form and I am a responsible citizen. . . and a very good guy

I called her up. . .

SHE: "Hulo! Who is dis??"
ME: (mannnn. . .wahta a sweet voice. . . )
me regaining senses. . .
"Is this Neha?"
SHE: Yes I am. Who are you?
Me : well have you received your Symbiosis application? I am sure You have not, bcoz its with me!
SHE: HUh??? wat r u saying?? Who r u??
ME: I am mythreya. . .well you can call me matty!
SHE: HUH?? Well Myth.....or matty wateva.....could you be more clear. I am not at all able to understand you!!
ME: Actually the courier guy. . . .

and I told her d whole story. . . .and gave my address. . .
She thanked me and told me she would come today evening!!!!
what a sweet voice she had!!!!

I waited and waited. . . .
Hours seem to be years now. . .
suddenly the clock ticked so slowly. . .

the door bell rang again!!!!!

it must be her. . .

I opened the door!!

WOW!!!

You know a very interesting fact!!
Girls with the name NEHA are damn beautiful!!!

She was soo beautiful. . .
She wore a salwar, but still managed to look damn pretty!!!

I asked her to come in. Then told her the whole story all over again hw d courier guy had mistaken and blah blah. . .
Gave her application. . .

She asked me which colleges i was applying and everything abt me. . .
usual talk. . .

then. . .

SHE: I am really very thankful to you! You know you could also have jus neglected the courier and thrown it of. . . but you helped me. . .really really thanx. . .I don't know hw to thank you actually!!
ME: (I couldn't let go this beautiful chance and my master mind was already at work. . .)
Don't worry much NEHA. . . .well if you really wanna thank me then you can jus say it with a cup of coffee!!! Hope you drink coffee???
SHE: (she was a bit confused! she gave me what-d-hell look)
ME: common. . . Its just a cup of pure coffee. . .
SHE: Ok!! finee. . .

WOW!! I was already on a date!!!
yeah. . . a date with a beautiful girl whom i had just knew!!!
and my heart said. . . .
Life is indeed beautiful!!!!
U R TOO GOOD MATTY!!!

SUDDENLY. . . . .

DING DONG!!!!!!!

HUH? doorbell in a coffee shop???????????

I looked around. . . things looked a bit hazy. . . .
The application was lying beside me and on MY BED!!!!!!!

WTF!!!!!!!

I was dreaming!!!!!!!!!!!
aaaaarrrggghhhh!!!

woke up again. . . .
opened the door;
a man was standing . . .

he said" Hi Its NEHA. . . .

me, " WHATTTTT?? You r neha?????"

"No No! I am actually NEHA's Brother! dude could you get me d application fast! I am in a hurry."

I gave him the application and he left without even saying thank you!!!

told you. . . . .(sh)IT HAPPENS!!!
THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL LIFE!!!

Ex Troubles

Ever been in an awkward situation . . .
when u wanna run away. . . .
when u know life's gonna screw u. . .
and still u laugh that awkward smile. . .

well. . . .

i don't know if one can call it embarrassing. . .
but it was for me. . . . . . .




an awful start. . . as usual. . .

Mom woke me up saying. . .
"Beta wake up. . .You have school. . ."

"Mom for GOD sake. . . I am in college!!! And my exams r jus over yesterday!!!!"

anyway. . .she woke me up. . .

had a wedding to attend. . .
my classmate was getting married. . .

i used to love weddings! the colors, the ambiance, the freshness. . .
and . . . the girls of course!!!

weddings are a beauty contest!
though here the bride is the winner. . .
but others compete for the runner ups. . .
the make ups, the lipsticks, and. . .even saris . . .
well it's all about them and their beauty!!!

but i was in no mood to crash a girl. . .

and then. . . . . . . .



POOOJA!!!!!
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE!!



aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. . . .

why does she have to come to the same wedding. . .
wait a min. . .she's not my classmate's freind neither her relative. . .
wateva. . .
GOD!!

ok fine. . . . .

no need to overact. . . I am fine with her. . . .
let me just ignore her. . . .
even if she talks with me i won't give her a damn. . .

(two hours latter. . . .)

what the hell is dat wretch doing. . .
why isn't she noticing me. . .
and. . who the fuck is dat asshole beside her. . . .

I try to pass beside her for the millionth time but she pretends as if she never knew me. . .

ok. . . .
enough is enough. . .i can't stand this anymore. . .

i went before her, though nervously. . .
"Hi Pooja! How are you!"

She gave me the who-d-hell-r-u-asshole look!!!!!

then very reluctantly she said a "Hi" and turned back!

attitude!!!! why r girls so full of crap!!!

wateva. . . .

she looked very beautiful. . .
like an angel. . . .
those eyes. . .
the lips. . .
i wanted to kiss her. . .

aaah. . .

I hate break ups and I hate Ex-GFs
why can't we still be friends after a break up. . .
why we still go on a date even if we had decided we don't love each other. . .
wats wrong in drinking a coffee together!!

naah. . . .
girls!!!!
she wont understand this. . . .
she hates me. . .

another try. . . .
she was there at the dining hall. . .
glad she was alone this time!

this time i smiled like a fool and . . . .

SHE : matty! why r u doing this? you know i am not gonna talk you. . .

ME: Look poo. . . aa. . . .Pooja!! I just wanted to ask how r u?
common u can't just ignore me. . .
we have known each other for 3 yrs nw. . .

SHE : So wat do u expect??????

ME: Nothing. Just pure friendship.

SHE : wateva. . . look. . . you better be going . . . my boy friend will be here any min. . .

ME : WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???????????

(i almost dropped my plate)

SHE : what. . .huhhhh. . .

(that jerk arrived. . .)

i was shocked!!!!!

she was already dating another guy and i was . . . . .
aaaaarrrrrrraaaaaaaaggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!



after few mins. . .
i ask my friend what the hell is Pooja doing here. . .
i mean how is she related. . . .

My Friend (bride) : OOh! she is his(groom's) cousin. well there is she is with her another cousin.

Whhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

she lied to me. . .
that. . .witch. . .

i am gonna. . . .

shit man shit. . .

and i was smiling actually. . . .


pheeeeeew. . . .

the end of an eventful day!!!!



and btw. . .

all you guys and gals out there. . .
here's a piece of advice. . .

play it safe. . .and STOP AIDS. . .