It happened to Me

The scene is set in a dark room with two big monstrous looking guys and a woman who looks even dangerous. They are waiting happily to rip apart me and cut me into small pieces. The typical torture room. I look into the lady's eyes. Red with blood. Suddenly her teeth grows longer and sharper, she bares her claws, the men take out their horrendous weapons. I want to run but GODDD they have chained me...

Everything suddenly goes dark... I feel unconscious. 

SPLASHHHH!!

They throw water upon my face and focus light right into my eyes...

and finally break the silence...

"Draw me the NAND gate using op-amps! Whaat you don't know!!

 What's the amplitude difference between GSM and CDMA?

 Oh! So you are a lousy engineer? Now I know why your marks are so low!"

Yes!

You almost guessed it right. It was one of my B-School interviews!

Trust me i could only give you a verbal description of the torture. It was hell.

...........................................................................................................................................

You know it all starts happily just like a bollywood movie. Happy family, the kids are all smiling, the wife is all smiling. Ok ok I wont go into the movie details now!

It was the same for me too.

i wrote the entrance exams. Fared well.

"Congratulations Mythreya! We are happy to inform you that you have been selected for our next round of selection i.e GD/PI" 

The monitor flashes this "feel good" message. And yeah I am happy, my mom dad.. and not to forget suddenly my girl friend, who thought till yesterday that i was really good for nothing, showers extra loveeeee upon me, pampering me, even the romance is all time high. 

'Wowww! Not bad man' That's what I say to myself.

And then the whole process begins.

PUNE - SIBM interview: the first of the season!

"I love travelling! Yeah trust me. In a way I feel travelling and going to new places helps you discover yourself. I feel like I am so close to nature."

OK! This crap was purely for the interview. 

I land in pune a day earlier so that I could be comfortable with the city and all.

As soon as I enter the streets of Pune looking for a Lodge, my eyes run a 100 miles per sec speed checking out hundreds of girls. BEAUTIFUL GIRLS!! 

Woow! CHICK HEAVEN!

(Really no offence to ladies. I am a nature lover and an admirer of beauty!!! TRUST ME!)

After a nice opening I settle in my room. Wander here and there. look at some more "EYE CANDIES" and then have some nice Maharastrian food. 

The night was long....

We roll in the bed together, clinging together tightly, then a scream.....

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"

You dirty minds....what were you thinking!!

it was me screaming and "We" meant THE BED BUGS AND THE MOSQUITO'S which gave me company for the whole night crawling up my body, sucking my sweet blood and yeah thankfully I didn't even close my eyes once the whole night.

THE D-Day : 

Gooosh! It was 10!!! I rushed to look at my call letter. 12 noon reporting time. 2 hours left. Ample time. The calender read "FRIDAY the THIRTEEN". What a day to kick off my first interview of the season!

By 12 I am at their campus. 

IT's one of the Best Campuses in India! 280 acres in a hill top. 2850 feet above the ground. Rather a hill station to put it technically. And a splendid infrastructure. With even a cricket ground!!!

Woow!!

All good things come to an end. And so did the happy scene. 
I was somewhat shocked to see 239 more students along with me. 

Later I realized that this was just a sample, there were several batches like this summing up the total candidates called for the process to be "2400" and try to guess the number of seats...

yeah do it fast...

1000?? No.... Err 750 something....what...no.....hummm common.. atleast 500!!

Well my dear friends... here is the first twist..

Just 180 seats out of which

15% reserved for Management Quota.

25% reserved for SC/ST

10% for OBC 

2% for sports, PH, etc etc

5% for kashmiri migrants and what not...

Pheewww

so the total seats for an OPEN CATEGORY guy like me ended up to be just 80-90!!!!

Now if you are really good at maths calculate the competition.

THIS IS INDIA my friends. THIS is when I am reminded of my country's BILLION PLUS population!!

Now the process..

Unlike other B-Schools, SIBM has an additional round. No not the torture chamber though.

Its called the "Group Task". 

Of course they need some "TOOL" to eliminate so many students!

We went in to a conference room. I socialized with my fellow groupmates or rather to say my fellow "Victims". We became quick friends.

I was the 3rd in the group of 14. 

After waiting patiently for 4 hours they give us food coupons.

As usual none of us ate anything much in the morning. So we dived upon the food.

AND wooh... all we get is a small piece of SANDWICH and they tell us its going to be a loooooong day so plz help yourself with the food!!

As soon as I put my little piece of bread in my gigantic mouth, i get a call..

"K Mythreya! Who is Mythreya here! Quick! Stuff ur food into you mouth and run! It's your turn for the interview!!"

I start running without even cleaning my mouth.

As soon as I enter the Big room I find a lady with two men.

"Please come in Mr.Mythreya!"

I walk in, close the door behind me. And I pull the chair..

KEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!

the chair makes a weary sound! I flash a wried smile on my face.

The lady signals me that i have bread pieces stuck on my lips... 

WHAT A START!!!!!!

And then starts the RAPID FIRE ROUND...

"So you are from ELECTRONICS and COMMUNICATIONS engineering."

after they realize that I am BIG ZERO in Technical background and all I have done is timepass in my engineering they venture into other fields.

"What is MUTUAL FUNDS? STOCK EXCHANGE? CRR? FISCAL POLICY? INFLATION?
  Who is the RBI head?"

I bang my head to answer these questions. Few I succeed and few go to the drain.

Then the usual "OK Mythreya tell us why do you want to do your MBA?"

"Ma'am as you know I am into theatre and stuff... I want to open a production company. So I want to do my MBA!"

"What!! Production company? My dear friend then why didn't you tell us before. We were wasting our and your time! You are in the wrong place man! Why have you come to SIBM!

Go to the National School of Drama or the Film Institute of India. Why MBA???"

Time to defend...

"No ma'am... blah blah"

"See Mythreya you seem to be pretty confused in your life? Think first what you want! You are interested in theatre, drama, why waste your life yaar! This MBA thing is all crap man! Do you think once you step in SIBM money will flow to your feet. Companies will beg you to join. And all the girls run behind you to marry?? please don't be in such a dream! Wake up it's recession time! We are all hit badly!"

All I could do was SHUT MY MOUTH and wonder what the hell happened!!!

"OOh you got a job! No two!!! Pretty good man! Wonderful companies! I say go work for two years and come back! See they are offering you 3 lakhs man.....You know how much I got when I started my career? 1.2 lakh.. and look at you 3! that's pretty good! Just go and do your job man! SIBM is not the place for you!"

Thank You!

And I am kicked out of the interview!!

Again wait for all the 14 guys to finish their interviews! 

I don't know what went wrong... everyone came out smiling out of that dark room except MEEE!!!

Crap man! Crap!

Next was the GT or the GROUP TASK.

A student came in and commanded us..

"Stand in the line according to your numbers! Hey you number 3! Stop chit-chatting! You are here for some purpose!" He screamed at me. 

"Now try to put this fact into your head that you are going in for the GT! It's not an individual task so try to do as a group! Use your head! Bend your ass! Get the task done!"

For a time being I thought I was in some army camp! 

As we entered the room, i saw a small circle and some 7-8 feet away from it was a line beyond which was a hanky!

I was just wondering what the hell is this trap..just then..

"I guess most of you have made out what is the task by seeing it! So go ahead with the task!"

Me, "But ma'am what do we have to do?"

"What! So you haven't browsed through the PagalGuy. So you have not done your homework!"

Mocked again...Damn.. 

The task that lie ahead was not simple. It was clearly impossible!!

14 members into he circle, and we had to make a guy jump from the inside of the circle and make him touch the hanky which was lying some 7-8 feet away and bring him back.

NOTE: he should not touch the ground, none of us should cross the boundary of the circle.

So it implied we had to make him jump in the air. Of course we were also given ropes, bricks, clothes, threads, and two footballs. I wonder what footballs were doing there.

Anyway it was clear now, I was certainly into an army camp doing a TARZAN jump. The good thing was I was not chosen to do the suicidal jump!

And guess what...we were given TWO FULL MINUTES to complete the task!

GREAT!

And yeah just as you thought. We made a fool out of oursleves by just clearing 1 feet and not 7-8 feet. The three panelists though had a good time laughing at us making a fool out of ourselves.

So I even got a group which failed as a group!

Woow!!

After the great GT we were rushed to the GD room.

I didn't know what happened, maybe it's just that I am a mere human. AFter waiting for whole 6 hours and without food and such low on confidence and still entering into a GD room..

I couldn't have felt more luckier!!

As we entered the GD room, it was all set. Two more panleists. 
We were given a case study and we were directed to think as a manager!

I hate case studies man! Common if you could think like a manager then why the hell were you trying to do your MBA!!

Well it was a page long case and I had not even finished reading, they said "START" and two-three people started screaming. In a minute almost 6-7 people started talking. No one was listening to anyone. They were just vomiting sentences. All the charming and nice guys and girls who were with me togther and whom I had imagined to be my future peer group at SIBM had suddenly transformed to some monsters! Everyone yelling at everyone. And I had the GREAT BLACKOUT!

I was blank! I didn't understand what was going on. My throat went dry. 

Into the 5th minute, I thought it's now or never. Then suddenly my dear friend No.2 kicks my leg and signals me 'OPEN YOUR STUPID MOUTH!'

I enter the GD finally... BUT.... suddenly everyone stops and they look at me. Pin drop Silence. 

I stare for a full  second at them and then suddnely i shout some crap which is completly irrelevent to the topic and I am again silent.

I do the same shit twice more and shut down for the rest of the GD.

Finally after 12 mins of hell the GD is done with. The panel starts asking few guys to summurize. They were poor souls who couldnt open their mouth just like me.

I am pretty good at summrizing. This is finally my chance.

And wooooooooooh!!

I am NOT asked!!!

They ask to leave....leave just like that...

My last chance to make an impression also went down the drain.

And as I leave the room... Only one thought came to my mind...

"FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK! WHAT THE HELL DID I DO!!!"

The day finally ended...or atleast I thought so.....

GOD had some more things in store for me...

It was alredy 8:30 when i reached PUNE bus-stand. I went in hoping to find a good bus so that I can go and just book my ticket and then eat my dinner and sleep.

Guess what happens!!

SHIT!!

"It's friday dude!!" Thats what the travels guy tells me.

All the poeple of PUNE suddenly felt the strong urge to go to Hyderabad on a friday night!

Crap!!!

"Dekh bhai last bus 9 ko hai! Woh bhi I can arrange for you cabin!"

"Cabin? woh kya hota hai?" I wonder

"Arey cabin yaar! Driver ke baju mein!"

BESIDE THE DRIVER!!!

GREAT.... I am having a hell of a day!!!!

Finally NO FOOD NO SLEEP and the worst day!

I wonder what OPTIMISTS would still find good in this...

So folks... this was my just one story...trust me.

I had 3 more like this...

SCMHRD, PUNE - deja vu

IMT nagpur -  why did i attend even!!

GIM - thrown out blissfully. 

XIM, bhuvaneswar

IIT kgp

SIBM Bangalore

IIT kanpur

IIT Madras

Wellingkar 

these are in the pipeline of hell..

It should be March - the month of hell...

And yeah None of them except XIM are in Hyderabad.

So if you feel I would still love travelling, shifting to 5 cities in one month buring thoudsands and thousands of money..that too all alone..then GOD help you!

No sorry... it must be GOD HELP ME!!

Love :

What does this four lettered word really mean to you?

[Voices]
"Love is beautiful! Love is life."
"Pyar dosti hai!!"
"Humm... define love? Humm... Love..... errrrr.......humm...."
"Love is crap i tell you. This is all shit. There is nothing more to it than physical attraction!"
"Love to me is preeti! I love preeti!" "Awwwwwww!!! I love you too darling".
"I really really love rahul. He is rich. He's got an awesome car. He is got this huge bungalow. Man! I just love his money... err ...i mean i really love him!!"
"Love? How has time for all this crap?"
"Love........... humm.... yeah I remember.. i fell in love too at my college... magar. haan ab itne saaloon ke baad yeh sab.... kya yaar tum bhi kya sawaal poochte rehte ho!"
"Sorry yaar.. I am busy. Will tell you later pakka!!"

And I thought I was the only one who didn't knew the definition.
Confused Times!!
.................................................................................................

Have you ever wondered how long a minute is? Lately I just realized its reallly long!!
And the minute I am talking about is not just a minute, it's the one when you suddenly forget words. Suddenly taken over by silence. And all this with the girl before you whom you thought was everything once!
Like going to a movie alone.....
Suddenly you even start hating the food...
And finally wondering was it just me who was feeling so or was she feeling the same...
And when you think twice to ask...... I guess it's BIG TIME....

"Maybe you will get someone better. Someone more beautiful and sensible. Someone whom your parents will accept!!" These are the words my girl friend finally speaks after a looong silence.
I am sorry I don't know if I still can use the word "girlfriend" legally...
"You are caring enough maddy! No... I don't find that security .. that feeling of.. i just don't feel like that anymore! I cannot trust you!!" Another missile. I guess all the missles left untested were fired at me randomly.

Fianlly I gathered strength and spoke up..
"Look... I know I am not perfect but...."
"Perfect!!!!! I am just begging you to be a human. You are not a kid and I am certainly not your mom!!" she cried out from her lungs.
"Please for godsake. Please lets not start all over again...." I begged..
"There is nothing more to talk maddy! If have to decide. To commit or not! I dont understand why you guys are so afraid to commit!!!!"
No I didn't say anything in reply. I just couldn't dare to..........
"Anyway I never loved you seriosuly.... It's just that you always were so after me... for a moment maybe i would have got distracted. You are just a good friend and we will be friends forever." She said finally breaking the silence...
"It's not that pooja........... I just......." I really didn't know what to say... I am an asshole!!!!!!

"Just one final word maddy. If you happen a meet a girl and you feel that you are in love. Please confirm about all the things. Think twice maybe thrice before even you........"
And she walked off.... leaving me behind.......
................................................................................................

P.S :Ooops....I am really sorry.. I started off thinking of to define love and I got lost in the memories of my .... I-dont-know-what-to-call...
Maybe sometime latter i will try to define the four letter thing......
And yeah.. Its good to blog after almost an year!

The Solitary Reaper...

Alone he cuts and binds the grain...
And sings a melancholy strain.
Will no one tell me what he sings?
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow..
For old, unhappy, far-off things...
or about the love lost..
and about the infinite emptiness....
................


POOOOOOOOOOMMPP!!
The siren of the factory blew... it was my alarm clock...
it told me.. "Oh old man.. its seven thirty in the morning.. get up!!"
Early in the morning... the radio told me today's headlines..
rape, murders, deaths, accidents,
how the ministers made new promises..
But.. how.. the farmers killed themselves...
How we were finally.. "DEVELOPING".
Well.. I finally got up.. as the radio signaled me that it was time to take my bath.

DINGG DONG!!
I opened the door very excitedly..
The sight of a human being still thrilled me...
Maybe.. some relative.. some friend from my distant past..

"Your Lunch Sir!" The Dabawallah handed me my lunch carriage.

I saw Pinku walk past me...
"Hello Grandpa.. I am going to school.. Bye bye!!"
"Bye Bye Dear son! Read well!!" I smiled for the first time in the day...
"And will you come to play with me in the evening?" I asked him..
"No.. You don't have a TV in your house... " He said sadly..
It was true..
An old man.. couldn't afford a colour TV with his pension.
I saw him ride his cycle till the end of the street..


Suddenly.. my eyes fell on a old photo album which fell down from the shelf..
It was my marriage album!

I looked at the date...
Thirtieth march 1968...
I suddenly realized.. it was today...

"Sulbha... Sulbha... it's our wedding anniversary...
I still remember the night when we got married... I had not even seen you properly...

Do you remember the day.. when I got my first promotion...
You made that day my happiest day of my life.. by telling me the good news of your pregnancy.
We were soo happy..
How we thought.. we would.. name our son 'Vinay' and if its a daughter 'Nimmi' or.. was it 'Simmi'..
Sorry dear... my memory is really at a loss these days...
Thank God I atleast remember you...
And.. ya..How.. we dreamed... how you would take him to the school..
then.. high school.. college...
How we would see him as an engineer!
But....
fate had something else for us..."
.........


Bhiwandi, 1970
the dreadful year...
We were all happy.. until one day..
I don't know what happened....
They screamed all over the Radio and newspapers "RIOTS! RIOTS!"
I had no idea until...
My own house was burned down...
My shop was tore apart..
I fled somehow..

But..

My Seven Month pregnant wife..couldn't escape!
She was burnt alive...

And I was left to die for the rest of my life....
these forty years I spent my life like a dead man...
With no reason to live.... No reason to survive...

This house..
I feel so.....
I scream ... no one hears...
I cry.. no one sees...
I wonder.. If I die..then.. my body would dispose here itself...
...................


I wrote my 'Will' today..
You might think what this old man has to give...
Well..
My dear friends..
there is soo much..
I wrote off my eyes to a blind boy...
I wrote off my kidneys to a needy young man...
I wrote off...

And ya..
This small home of mine...
will be the home for children...

I had no life till now..
But NO MORE!
My eyes will see through some else.. they will enjoy the beauty..
My home will once again be filled with laughter of the kids..
They will be my legacy...
My heir...

........


PS: Thanks to William Wordsworth for allowing to use his poem.

This post is dedicated to the WORLD THEATER DAY, March 27th

Coffee Blues...

I hate coffee..
I know .. all of you are looking at me weirdly.. thinking.. who is this 'idiot'..
and..
guess what..
Now I got another reason to hate it more!!!

....

Love is in the air...

Rahul... Fell in Love Finally!!!!
I mean.. common.. even Rahul???
God....

I mean.. they say..
there are 960 girls for every 1000 boys...
Guess...Now.. I am going to be one of those... 40 unlucky souls.....
Fine.. I am happy for rahul atleast...

But....
.....



"Dude.. urgent help yaar... please dont mind.. I need some money yaar.. i will return it to you soon!!" Rahul pleaded...
"Fine.. but why do you need them???" I asked...
"Aaa.. welll.. the thing is.. aa.. the thing is...."
"Idiot.. tell me.. "
"I got a date with Reha.." he finally uttered...
"nice my dear friend.. very nice!! Stupid.. when you don't have the money ask her to cancel the date.. or ask her to pay!! She is also gonna eat na!!"
"Dude... forget it.. you wont understand.. when you have a girlfriend you will understand!!!"

Huh...
Finally.. the realization of the eternal truth!!

"By the way yaar.. forgot to mention... Reha is bringing her friend along....so maybe I thought....."Rahul said..
"What??? what did you think now???" I was skeptic.
"Why don't you come along yaar.. It will be fun.."
"Forget it!!! What the hell will I do there yaar!!"
"Arey.. just come.. it will be fun... and Reha's friend will be there yaar..!!"
"No no yaar.. I am in no mood... and you know I hate coffee!!!"


The next day I found myself... waiting seriously like an expecting father... but not my baby....
for the ladies ....
"Dude... I guess they are not gonna come.. lets leave.. " I said finally..
"Shut up yaar.. I just called them.. they have left from their home already..." Rahul screamed at me..
"oooh great!! Well.. at least order something.. or the coffeeshop guy is gonna throw us out.. the waiter has already started looking skeptically at me.." I tried to convince him.
"Sorry dude.... lack of financial resources!!" Rahul justified.
"Remember.. optimum use of minimum resources!!" He added
"Shut up! you ass!!" I scolded him.

Finally the almighty showed mercy and after forty minutes of hell.. the ladies arrived..
But ya..
I was forced to show such emotions as if .. when they walked in.. I turned back to life.. and as if I am so excited to see her and her "Friend"!!
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" Reha jumped ...
"Hi this is.. Aeysha!" We had a formal introduction...
"Aeysha Takiya???" I tried a PJ
"No! Aeysha Sharma!" she told me irritatedly...
I tried to check the Aeysha chick.. for a while.. but then...
Reha gave me the.. *Will you stop your X-RAY scan* look!
I tried to explain (through my looks) that I am an engineer and not a doctor!
Nevermind!!

But Ayesha... She was beautiful.. the only problem with her was..
She had her hair pulled back.. and even her reading glasses on..
It was like.. "Fuck Off boys! I am not in the mood!!"
So.. rather a tough call for me...

Suddenly... after a while...
Rahul and Reha moved to the table beside...
And I was left with Ayesha alone...

"So what was your name.. sorry I forgot!" She said..
I really hate it.. when people forget my name...
"Mythreya! . well you can call me Matty!!" I said..
She looked at me strangly... and then..
"Mythreya.. is such a nice name.. why do you hate it??"
"I don't hate my name!!! It's just that people find it difficult ot pronounce it.. so I help them out..." I snapped back
"So what do you do.. I mean hobbies!" She asked..
"Well hell lot of them.. Writing is my passion... I even own a blog!!"
well let me tell you.. i thought.. that would impress her...
But...
No emotions.. like.. nothing...
Finally.. she spoke..
"Blogging??? What does it mean???"
Now that was a disaster... I didnt even thought of explaining it to her!!

Now we finally decided to fulfill the purpose of our date or meet or whatever you call this thing!
We odered the drinks!

Trust me..
I am not much used to this coffeshops..
I just know one or two flavours of them..
And I thought why not I try something different...
And there it was..
I dont remember... what it was.. some... Tropical Tea.. or whatever... It seemed good in the photo.. colourful...
And then finally when it arrived..
I had it all..
I realized this guy charged me 100 bucks for making me drink some coloured water!!!!
Yaaaaaaaaaaak!!
It sucked to hell!!!
But.. I had to pretend as if it was the best thing I ever drank...
Gentleman Manners!!

Well...I thought... maybe.. I should .. try something and not waste my time..
I mean.. Rahul really inspired me..
and that Ayesha was.. not bad also...

"So Ayesha.. nice name... infact... you are also beautiful!" I tried to flirt around.
"Nice Dress!" I added
She didnt speak a word... I doubted was she deaf or was I dumb??
And she after a loong minute.. reluctanly said a.."Thank you!"
No, actually she didnt say it me.. she threw it on my face!
But.. hope didn't die out in me..
"Are you single? Boyfriend??" I hit it directly now!!
"I have no boyfriend.. and I am not even that kind!! I am just a simple girl!" She put it to me!
"Not even that kind???So what kind are you??"
"Its not like that... just that.. I didn't meet someone so nice to fall in love with.."
"Really! Well you should look around... there are nice people around you!"

I looked straight inot her eyes...and then finally asked her..
"Do you believe in love at first sight!"
"No... Not today atleast!!"
"What... "
"Nothing.. No I don't believe...."

And this way.. I tried to flirt around.. woo the lady..
And finally.. I even asked her number...
But the good thing is.. she somehow gave me hers!!

And finally..the end came..
Rahul rose from his chair and..
"Guys.. me and Reha want to spend sometime together.. if its late for you guys then you can leave!"
Ya he politely told us to get lost...
"Ayesha! Why not I drop you at your place?" I tried to be polite with her.
"No yaar! It's Ok.. Well My Brother is waiting for me nearby.. I will have ot join him.."
"Oooh.. ok.... bye then.. nice meeting you..."




Two days passed..
I thought of Ayesha for some four to five times...
And finally picked up the number.. and called...

"Hullo! Is this Ayesha? I am Mythreya.. Matty!!"
"Ayesha!!! There is No Ayesha here! Wrong Number!!" A angry old man scremed right inot my face!

Tell Me a Story

I looked eagerly into those eyes.... as if they were telling me something...
old.. tired... wanting to stop... but helplessly being dragged...
maybe a lost love.. or was it the loneliness.. the age..
he wanted peace.. he wanted to stop..
but... like he knew he had to wait.


They say, the eyes say it all. And I ventured on a small experiment of mine.
Studying people. Trying to know the strangeness of the strangers. Trying to hear the story which their eyes tell... a silent story!

This little girl really amazed me. She was happy. Happy because she had got her meal for the day. Happy because she had no mother to tell her to clean her dirty hands. No school to go. No books to read. No future to worry about. Free like the bird. But still unaware how limitless is the sky... still unaware how vast is the world and how narrow are the people in it!!
Her eyes were small.... so small that they were unaware of dreams!

On the contrary, next was a school boy! Running happily towards his home. How he waited right from the morning for this moment. Maybe he wanted to play, be himself for the evening..and not his aspiring IITian son of his parents. Smaller eyes. Forced Dreams.

just then...
it started to rain!
The rain drops fell upon me... i ran for shelter.
There my eyes fell upon a very beautiful teenager!
Aaah.. what beauty...her smile... was cute..
little rain drops trying to flirt with her..
her eyes filled with...Some sweet little dreams .. i guess!
I had to move on.. for i was afraid.. i would fell in love with her!

When I boarded the bus.. I met a young man.. probably of the same age as I.
I couldn't interpret much what laid beneath...
A search for a job.. or maybe something else..
But all I could see was.. the restlessness...
fighting with himself... the wish to overcome something..
maybe some broken dreams trying to rebuilt..
maybe!!

As I entered the building... I saw the watchman.
I wondered.. how would he feel.. standing all day.. not moving much...
watching people go in and out.. everyday..
when my eyes met his.. with a smile..
I saw them lit up....
He might not be the happiest man on earth... but still content!

"Hi!" she snapped from the back...
a familiar voice...
the same fragrance...
I knew it was her..
I looked straight into her eyes. Sparkling.
Filled with the strangeness called "life"...
happiness and sorrow ran together.
she had some kind of relief.. joy ... but still.. unsatisfied.. a slight hint of fear.. worry..
a forgotten sadness.. being reminded again..
For she well knew....
I was her ever and never...
No Love. No Hate.
Uncherished Dreams.

Finally I met my friend... my brother..
Though I knew it all..
his eyes wanted to tell it all over again....
red with regret... wet by sorrow...
tears didnt roll down... though he knew how to cry....
I wondered could anyone love someone so much...
thinking about her every moment...
trying to live with and without her...
dying every second and living every moment...
trying to relive every second spent with her.....
living only in one hope......"One day.. .. one day.. i will hold her .. once again...."

After Sorrow.. Happiness follows!
Lastly.. I saw a family..
they were three. A loving husband, a caring wife and the most beautiful daughter.
I looked at both of them..
their eyes fixed on their daughter.
I soon realized that they were not two but one!
maybe this is what they call love......



Now the final test...
I looked at the mirror...

I couldnt find anything...
just two human eyes..
not a word. not an emotion!!

The Demise...

Tip.....Tip.....Tip......
water drops from no where fell upon me...
SPLASH!
It became bigger....
It started raining.....
I wanted to run like all others and find a shelter for myself....
But I could not!
"No more....." screamed my heart....I had run for a long time now.....

. . . . . . .

I came home late that day....
I searched for him all over the place...
the night was dreadful...
the lights went off...it was pitch dark...
"Don't be afraid of the dark! You are a big boy now!" His words echoed in my ears.
Suddenly something struck me........ the prompt realization!

I saw my mother lit a candle....
her face gleamed as she held it....
her eyes were dried out.... just like the arid rivers in the summer...
not a drop of water!
her face like the barren soil of the south...
those drought hit wrinkles....
suddenly she looked so old to me.....
She was one of the most beautiful women I had ever known....
But...no more....

we had moved to a smaller place now.....
someone suggested it would help us move on...
but we all knew the fact...
we no more could afford a bigger place......
neither did we needed it!

I never ever dreamt even in my worst nightmares that things would shape up like this...
when it actually started ..when it ended.. I had no clue...
I knew nothing... I still wondered how did I even fit in here...
the reason....... was beyond me....

Murthy, my father's brother arrived and thus my uncle.... arrived....
"Don't you worry vadinaa*, I had sorted it out.... hari would work at my friend's office once he completes his exams. Four thousand a month is the pay." He tried to assure my mother..... who didn't speak a word...
I wondered if she had even heard them.....

"One more thing... I think the time has come to divide the property. I know it is too early for you.... but try to understand me... I have to daughter to marry off. I met the lawyer today....
he will brief you everything tomorrow." My uncle divulged.
"It's even better for you... it will help you pay your debts..." He added.

It might be my age which disabled me me to interpret the whole monologue...
but I still figured out that... troubles were brewing right behind our backs.....

. . . . . . .

slowly....
we started our selling business....
mother said we don't need few things anymore.
but I knew.... what we really needed!
the huge sofa set...
the heavy bullet...my father's bike... it was really no use now... unless I had to wait for four more years to officially ride it.
but what still confused me was...my mother's jewellery...
I still wondered why she considered it useless now.

. . . . . .

It was Diwali...
But we didn't celebrate...
we were not supposed to... that's what mother said....
I felt bad at the beginning but then...
when I calculated the amount of money I would save upon the crackers, sweets and the dress...
I felt relieved.

Then the new year arrived....
We were not supposed to wish anyone happy new year...
well..that's what my mother said!
For the first time time... I didn't send a new year card to my favourite cousin Sheela.
Neither did she...
I wondered if even her mother told her not to wish anyone..
was it also a not-a-happy-new-year for her also?

Time passed at a snail's pace...
The summer arrived...
I completed my schooling.
Ninety four percent... read my scorecard.

"congratulations! your son topped the whole district...."
for the first time in months I saw a slight hint of happiness in my mother's face..
still tears rolled down her face...
I somehow got used to them...

"Don't you worry vadina, I have sorted it out .... Hari would study at Hyderabad and I will also make sure he gets a scholarship including fees exemption." My uncle Murthy announced.
I wondered if I didn't needed to go to his friend's office now.

"One more thing... I heard you sold the bullet last year.. and it fetched a good price... Brother always thought of gifting me the bullet. Please don't take it wrong... as even Hari's fees is exempted I was wondering if you could give me half the money of the bullet.... I have a daughter to marry off...please understand my position...." My uncle spoke..

But my mother still maintained her calmness.
Silence is sometimes eternal... I learnt soon.

. . . . . .

It was time to leave....
my hometown....
my school....
my friends....
my childhood...
my memories....

I was glad mother was coming along...
My maternal uncle made the arrangements for us this time....
Mother would teach in a school...he affirmed.
Thank god Murthy uncle didn't sort out anything this time...
I was to join a college ... No fees and scholarship...

. . . . . .

I joined the college...
It was beautiful....
Huge buildings...
even the city was too big.....
Mother asked me to be careful......
"Make good friends. And don't you get lost anywhere!" She ordered.

I had to fill in my add mission form.....

Name: Hari
Father's name: Late sri Dharma raju
Age: 14

......

Vadina* : A Telugu word for sister-in-law

Two Sides of a Coin....

THE SIN...........

I walk through the door slowly.... but allow her to hear my footsteps....

She stands like a rock......
holding everything inside...... and giving me nothing but the silence....
I wish I could read her mind....i wish i could interpret those woeful thoughts haunting her...
I wish i could tell her....

'Don't worry everything will be fine.....'
but....

It was late...but she doesn't scream at me...as she used to ....
no sign of concern...

I still remember those beautiful days...
when we were young and newly married...
smitten by cupid...
when i used to love her by the day....and by the night....

Things change... and sometimes for the worse....

I feel the coldness even in the hot summer nights.....
It was days when we last shared a conversation...
or even when we dined together...

love.... seemed to be breathing its last breathe....
and the end seemed to begin....

I walk past to her...
her eyes...still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen...
but....the touch of her hair..... the smell of her body...
mere memories to me now....

I gather courage to break the long lasting silence....
"what is it that trouble you, my lady?"

She looks into my eyes and quickly moves them away from my sight...
she hangs her head down.... seeming smitten by the "Guilt" bug...
tears roll down her eyes...
'something bad' my heart tells me...
finally words pop out her mouth..

"I am pregnant"

................................................................................................................................


THE SINNER...............

The click strikes 11....
Still no sight of him...It's the same all the days...
This loneliness is killing me....
All day I sit idle... and wait all night...
months have passes since we last made love...

has the love died a rotten death??
or .. did it never take birth in the first place????

anyway...how do you expect love in arranged marriage!!

.................

I met him few days ago....
He is funny...handsome.... and likes me...

Am I doing anything wrong???
I know I am not supposed to act like this..but I am not able to help it..
Why do I feel like a teenager ....
why am I attracted to him so much....

NO!! I am a married woman....This is wrong!!

.................

I have never felt this way before....
it was like the first time...
same nervousness.......same excitement...
emotions running high.......and we were ready to be consumed by them...
how could i feel so different with him in the same act.......
I feel like jumping in the air and yelling at the top of my voice... to the whole world that i love him.. love him my whole life....
he is my knight in shining armor...my man of my dreams...
a part of me who completed me......the way i completed him.......
we are one and whole.....
how much i wish to be with him right now... how much...

...........................

I have done the biggest mistake of my life...
I cheated my husband....
I cheated my family...my parents..their trust...everyone..

Why was i so blind??

Why is love such a boisterous thing...
why does it pricks likes thorns...

why can't I have a happy ending..........

..........................................................................................................................................................................




PS: This blog is dedicated to my friends and all time critics...Deepi and Srats....