The search..

Once upon a time in a never never land... this was the time when I wandered in the streets of the unknown cities which cried out loud to me always trying to say something.. trying to find answers to unframed questions.. trying to solve the mystery without knowing what actually the mystery was..

Yes that was the time!

I always wondered how they did it? I mean how could just anyone do it?
It's not that I have not attempted it myself or I am a total starter. I have tried, though I agree that they were not my best but nevertheless I tried. Was I naive? Was there a process i missed? Is there a formula?
Damn it.. why can't I just know what is it that's missing? What is the fucking secret ingredient!!

....................

Finding her was always the difficult part. I was so damn confused always. I mean it's not that I have not tried searching for her. But the image of her was so blur in my head that I could never even see her complete face.
One thing that kept me driving was her eyes. Crystal clear like the blue ocean yet very deceiving. They were the only thing I always kept looking for.

Those eyes...

I could kill for them. Now it was like I was addicted to them.

Well.. when it comes to him, I would not say it was that difficult but not that easy also. I saw him once or twice. But then I tend him loose him always. He changed every time I met him, every time I spoke to him.

But deep down I knew... I just had to find her and he would come running.

Perfect!
Once I get both of them together it will all be set.
I just need to add the magic potion and I am done. Finally!

But ..

The question again is where to find the potion?

Before you think about it let me confess myself - Yes! The irony is I have nothing and yet everything.

..................


They say you could find it anywhere. You just have to keep looking under the sky.

I went to the mountains first, then the valleys... then the river. Nope it was not there.

The villages.. the towns.. the cities.. nothing seem to have given it refuge.

I asked everyone for it - the young and the old; the beauty and the ugly; the dead and the living - none had it.

I rode the horses and reached the city of the god. They said it was found here once.
I searched and searched. No clue of it. Nothing at all.

Could it be in the brothels? Have the virgins of the village hid it secretly?
I met all of them - the loved - unloved; Men and women, even the queen's eunuchs couldn't tell me it's whereabouts.

I looked at the sun, I could not see it directly.
I was lost in the desert. No where to go.

I crawled, I begged for water and food. I knew was dying. The end had arrived.
All I wanted was to touch it once. Was to look at it.

"Find both of them and give it to them." So that they could fulfill the prophecy.

But I never found it.

Never. . . . .

Well the question still remains - "Where is the story!!!"

The Rao's Part 2

this is a continuation of the Roa's Part 1 

.................................................

"Oh god please help him this time! I will fast now every saturday also if he gets the visa. I will walk all the way up the Tirupati hill for your darshan. I will also make sure this time Ramesh shaves his head for you. Oh god! Please help my son." kausalya prayed just like any other Indian mother. This time she had a long list of offerings and just a small request, the Visa.

They say when it comes to the Visa it's all pure luck. 

"After the terrorist attacks, I have heard they are rejecting Visas. I tell you it is very difficult to get one these days. You know my brother's neighbor's son, his Visa was rejected recently. I have heard he even had a 75% in his bachelors. By the way, how much did Ramesh get? Does he has distinction? kausalya... are you even listening to what I am saying?" Malini, kausalya's neighbor was trying to share her insights. 

But.. Kausalya.. she was lost in her prayers. Malini's words, though they reached her ears but they never made it to her mind. 

Kausalya knew only one thing. Each and everything is in the hands of the almighty. And she was determined to please him.

..........................................

"Maaaaaaaa..... I did it... I flying to the USA... MBA.... mom... your son is going to be an M.B.A," Ramesh screamed with joy and hugged Kausalya. At that moment kausalya forgot everything, herself, her god, all she knew that it was the happiest moment of her son's life and so as her's. 

Tears and Kausalya were close sisters. Kausalya expressed her every emotion with tears. She would cry if she was sad, she would cry even if she was happy and even in anger. 

"Your name should have been ganga instead of Kausalya," Srinivas would always remark.

But today they were the happy ones. 

The god of visa had indeed answered her prayers.

"I will have to pay four lakhs as first instalment to the college in a week," Ramesh declared.

"Yes yes. Don't worry. Your father will look after that," Kausalya said with a certain conviction although she didn't knew how her husband, an employee at a small private firm, could manage that.

"In one month I will be in California, USA. Mom do you even know how far is California from here? It takes almost a day even if you travel by the plane," Ramesh seemed all excited about his future.

And all kausalya could see was that her son would leave her and go to some far far land. Twenty two years and never ever was he away from her. Or was he?

She remembered, two years ago Ramesh had gone to a tour with his friends for a week. She remembered how she would call him day and night. She was so worried about his food. And about his safety, infact she never ever wanted to allow him to go so far to Goa all alone with his friends. But Ramesh would not listen to her.

"Will you call me everyday from California?" Asked kausalya with tears in her eyes.

"Of course I will Ma! Maaaaaa... Please don't cry not today at least. I am in such a happy mood," Ramesh tried to cheer her up. 

"Well I have lot of things to do. I need to do my shopping, by the way I need all new clothes I tell you. I will also have to buy a laptop and the most important thing I need to book the ticket as early as possible. There are lot of things. I better write them down," Ramesh was lost in his own world. Infact in his new world.

.........................................

DING DINGG!

"It must be your father. Open the door beta," Kausalya screamed from the Kitchen. 

"Oh mom! Please do it for yourself. I am busy on the internet," Ramesh replied.

Rubbing her face with her dough hands she made a dash to the door. She knew it, it was her husband. 

"Ramesh got the Visa!" kausalya cried out with ecxitment as soon as she saw Srinivas.

"He got the Visa today morning. Didn't I tell you my prayers would be answered." She repeated thinking Srinivas might not have listened to her properly.

Srinivas looked tired more than usual. 

He did hear the news, but there was no excitment, no happiness in his face. No reaction.

'What happened? Let me get you a glass of water first. I know you must be tired," kausalya rushed to fetch a glass of water. 

"So what do you think? Oh! I am sorry. Ramesh should tell you this by himself. let me call him," kausalya tried to call Ramesh but was interrupted by Srinivas.

"No. Not now. I am not in a good mood." 

"What happened? Is everything ok?" 

"Nothing. Just leave me alone for sometime."

"But tell me what happened!" Kausalya tried to ask.

"Nothing. I told you I am not in a good mood!" Srinivas screamed.

"What do you mean you are not in a good mood. Are you not happy for your son? Don't you wish that he should live a happy life? Now that today he has achieved something, isn't it your duty to share his happiness?" kausalya went on.

"It's not that. I am tired. We will talk tommorrow."

"Tommorrow? When do you have time for us? Always work work work. Why did you even marry me when you don't have time." Tears ran through her cheeks.

"There are so many things you should attend to. So many responsibilities. We have to pay the fees in a week. He has to book his flight ticket. Buy few things. It's only a month you know. We also have to go to Tirupati. So many things..... when do we have time to talk." 

"It's not that! You don't understand!"

"What it is that I don't understand?" 

"I lost my job today!!!!" Srinivas screamed and silence followed.

................................................................

to be continued.....

p.s: I dedicate this story to my parents 

...................................................

Note: the characters and the incidents describes in the story are purely fictitious and bear no resemblance with anyone living or dead. Any resemblance is purely a coincidence.

The Rao's Part 1

"kausalya! Kausalya! Where is my shirt? You know I am getting late to office, I told you yesterday night I have a meeting with my Director today!" screamed Srinivas running out the bathroom with a towel covering his 'vital' parts and water dripping all over the floor.

"Coming coming!" Kausalya ran from the kitchen to help her husband. She slipped on the wet floor but caught hold of the door and saved herself from a fall.

"How many times have I told you to dry up yourself in the bathroom itself! What if I had slipped and fell on floor. Had I factured my leg you would have had to shell out some ten grand for the doctor's bill! And who would have cooked for you? Your mother?" Kausalya replied back to her husband sharply.  She was relieved that she had escaped the fall but she was sad that now she had to clean up the floor all by herself. 

"Atleast eat your breakfast!" kausalya squawked from the back.

"No no! I have to run or I will miss the bus!" Srinivas defended. 

Srinivas dashed towards the exit.

Almost an hour later in the nearby room someone was trying to still sleep even as the sungod trying to wake him himself. 

"Beta! Wake up! Its ten in the morning." kausalya shouted in her usual tone.

"Mom! I slept at two in the morning. Let me have some sleep." Ramesh replied in a sleepy mood.

But he knew it, it was the end of his lovely dream in which he was laying almost naked with three girls on a beach and doing things which are unmentionable in a country like India and unthinkable in a family like the Roa's!

While Ramesh was having his breakfast, kausalya asked, "so what are your plans today? Are you going out? should i cook lunch for you?"

Ramesh paused for a whole minute and thought about things he was supposed to do or might do. When nothing came to his mind, he promptly called Rahul. 

"Hi dude? What! still in bed you idiot! Wake up man..... Hey by the way, how about a movie?.....

 the afternoon show? ... what! we already saw all the movies? nothing left out? .... hey wait a minute.... we didn't see 'Ratoon ki rani' ... oh its not worth! ...nothing ..no scenes kya? ... oh God!   then what shall we do man!! .... do one thing.. just come to my place we will decide.. i am hanging up.... balance low... bye!" Ramesh wondered what he would today. 

"Why don't you go the sidhivinayaka temple today and pray for your MBA result! God's grace is a must in such matters! I am even fasting for you every thursday!" kausalya justified. 

"Mom! Please don't get started now! I am very busy. And anyway, I am sure God has lot to do than to listen to my prayers." Ramesh stated stolidly.

"I tell you its waste arguing with you!" kausalya tried to convince but she knew it was waste. 

"By the way? What is Rahul doing these days? Is he also joining MBA this time?" She enquired. 

She thought it was her parental duty to know about her son's friends. A person's character is judged by the kind of friend's he has. She had read this somewhere.

Kausalya has always wanted Ramesh to do his MBA because one of her distant relatives son had also done his MBA and was now residing in the US of A. 

Though Kausalya never even dreamt of a life without Ramesh, but still she felt her son's life would be secured in the United States of America than the Andhra state of India. She even heard Srinivas telling "the competition in India is too high. All because of population. And the government is so biased. Reservations even in higher education! And we suffer because we were born in a forward caste! This is so injustice!" 

Kausalya had always wished a better life for her son. 

.................................................................

 

Kausalya woke up early that day. It was the judgement day. It was the day her future would be decided. Appa had decided to marry off her if she again failed this time. Her mother was silent as usual and played no significant role rather than cooking and keeping the house clean, so Kausalya couldn't expect any help from her. 

Ramu, he little brother bought her the newspaper. She trembled as she flipped through the pages. '

What if she passed, will appa agree to send her to Madras to study? After all there was no college in her village. How can she stay without appa and amma?' Her mind dwindled around these thoughts. But fate had something else for her.

"The girl cooks very well and also knows stitching. She also sings very well." Amma spoke to a fat lady with hope in her eyes. But nothing seem to convince the fat lady. 

"kausalya please sing the sitarama kalyanam song." Amma asked her.

Kausalya was very nervous. All eyes were fixed on her. Amma had strictly ordered her to not even look up and answer only when asked. 

But admist all these, kausalya quickly glanced from the corner of her eye to have a look at the prospectus groom. He was not at all like she had imagined. He didn't wear the tight bell bottoms, nor did he had the stylish ring the south indian heroes had. She was disappointed.

A week after a letter arrived stating that the fat lady was pleased to accept Kausalya as her daughter-in-law but she had also sent a list of things they wanted and the probable date of marriage. But no one asked what kausalya wanted.   

............................................................

Twenty eight years later, cleaning the shelf, kausalya looked at her wedding photo and thought for a second, was this the life she wanted? Srinivas was a good man. He earned a decent salary. He came home early from work. Never said anything to his wife. What else was needed? 

Suddenly she found something. It was a small Vinayaka Idol. Srinivas had gifted it to her on their first anniversary. She smiled looking at it.

She wondered sometimes if Srinivas now remembered  their anniversary or as a matter of fact even her birthday!

'When was the last time Srinivas took her to a movie or to a restaraunt...' she barely remembered any such incident. 

It was years when they last made love.

All their life they had worked hard so that they could afford this thousand square feet apartment and could save for Ramesh's higher studies. 

They never bothered about themselves. 

Srinivas would proudly say "My assest is my son! What more do I need?".

Queitly dusting the books kausalya wondered how they would be able to live when their son leaves for the USA. But what will he eat there? Will he get the same food? She had even heard that the people in the US of A eat cow's meat! 

She was worried how will her vegetarian Brahmin son survive in that country! 

"I will have to pack him atleast five jars of pickels. My poor son!" She tried to console herself.

Love :

What does this four lettered word really mean to you?

[Voices]
"Love is beautiful! Love is life."
"Pyar dosti hai!!"
"Humm... define love? Humm... Love..... errrrr.......humm...."
"Love is crap i tell you. This is all shit. There is nothing more to it than physical attraction!"
"Love to me is preeti! I love preeti!" "Awwwwwww!!! I love you too darling".
"I really really love rahul. He is rich. He's got an awesome car. He is got this huge bungalow. Man! I just love his money... err ...i mean i really love him!!"
"Love? How has time for all this crap?"
"Love........... humm.... yeah I remember.. i fell in love too at my college... magar. haan ab itne saaloon ke baad yeh sab.... kya yaar tum bhi kya sawaal poochte rehte ho!"
"Sorry yaar.. I am busy. Will tell you later pakka!!"

And I thought I was the only one who didn't knew the definition.
Confused Times!!
.................................................................................................

Have you ever wondered how long a minute is? Lately I just realized its reallly long!!
And the minute I am talking about is not just a minute, it's the one when you suddenly forget words. Suddenly taken over by silence. And all this with the girl before you whom you thought was everything once!
Like going to a movie alone.....
Suddenly you even start hating the food...
And finally wondering was it just me who was feeling so or was she feeling the same...
And when you think twice to ask...... I guess it's BIG TIME....

"Maybe you will get someone better. Someone more beautiful and sensible. Someone whom your parents will accept!!" These are the words my girl friend finally speaks after a looong silence.
I am sorry I don't know if I still can use the word "girlfriend" legally...
"You are caring enough maddy! No... I don't find that security .. that feeling of.. i just don't feel like that anymore! I cannot trust you!!" Another missile. I guess all the missles left untested were fired at me randomly.

Fianlly I gathered strength and spoke up..
"Look... I know I am not perfect but...."
"Perfect!!!!! I am just begging you to be a human. You are not a kid and I am certainly not your mom!!" she cried out from her lungs.
"Please for godsake. Please lets not start all over again...." I begged..
"There is nothing more to talk maddy! If have to decide. To commit or not! I dont understand why you guys are so afraid to commit!!!!"
No I didn't say anything in reply. I just couldn't dare to..........
"Anyway I never loved you seriosuly.... It's just that you always were so after me... for a moment maybe i would have got distracted. You are just a good friend and we will be friends forever." She said finally breaking the silence...
"It's not that pooja........... I just......." I really didn't know what to say... I am an asshole!!!!!!

"Just one final word maddy. If you happen a meet a girl and you feel that you are in love. Please confirm about all the things. Think twice maybe thrice before even you........"
And she walked off.... leaving me behind.......
................................................................................................

P.S :Ooops....I am really sorry.. I started off thinking of to define love and I got lost in the memories of my .... I-dont-know-what-to-call...
Maybe sometime latter i will try to define the four letter thing......
And yeah.. Its good to blog after almost an year!

The Solitary Reaper...

Alone he cuts and binds the grain...
And sings a melancholy strain.
Will no one tell me what he sings?
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow..
For old, unhappy, far-off things...
or about the love lost..
and about the infinite emptiness....
................


POOOOOOOOOOMMPP!!
The siren of the factory blew... it was my alarm clock...
it told me.. "Oh old man.. its seven thirty in the morning.. get up!!"
Early in the morning... the radio told me today's headlines..
rape, murders, deaths, accidents,
how the ministers made new promises..
But.. how.. the farmers killed themselves...
How we were finally.. "DEVELOPING".
Well.. I finally got up.. as the radio signaled me that it was time to take my bath.

DINGG DONG!!
I opened the door very excitedly..
The sight of a human being still thrilled me...
Maybe.. some relative.. some friend from my distant past..

"Your Lunch Sir!" The Dabawallah handed me my lunch carriage.

I saw Pinku walk past me...
"Hello Grandpa.. I am going to school.. Bye bye!!"
"Bye Bye Dear son! Read well!!" I smiled for the first time in the day...
"And will you come to play with me in the evening?" I asked him..
"No.. You don't have a TV in your house... " He said sadly..
It was true..
An old man.. couldn't afford a colour TV with his pension.
I saw him ride his cycle till the end of the street..


Suddenly.. my eyes fell on a old photo album which fell down from the shelf..
It was my marriage album!

I looked at the date...
Thirtieth march 1968...
I suddenly realized.. it was today...

"Sulbha... Sulbha... it's our wedding anniversary...
I still remember the night when we got married... I had not even seen you properly...

Do you remember the day.. when I got my first promotion...
You made that day my happiest day of my life.. by telling me the good news of your pregnancy.
We were soo happy..
How we thought.. we would.. name our son 'Vinay' and if its a daughter 'Nimmi' or.. was it 'Simmi'..
Sorry dear... my memory is really at a loss these days...
Thank God I atleast remember you...
And.. ya..How.. we dreamed... how you would take him to the school..
then.. high school.. college...
How we would see him as an engineer!
But....
fate had something else for us..."
.........


Bhiwandi, 1970
the dreadful year...
We were all happy.. until one day..
I don't know what happened....
They screamed all over the Radio and newspapers "RIOTS! RIOTS!"
I had no idea until...
My own house was burned down...
My shop was tore apart..
I fled somehow..

But..

My Seven Month pregnant wife..couldn't escape!
She was burnt alive...

And I was left to die for the rest of my life....
these forty years I spent my life like a dead man...
With no reason to live.... No reason to survive...

This house..
I feel so.....
I scream ... no one hears...
I cry.. no one sees...
I wonder.. If I die..then.. my body would dispose here itself...
...................


I wrote my 'Will' today..
You might think what this old man has to give...
Well..
My dear friends..
there is soo much..
I wrote off my eyes to a blind boy...
I wrote off my kidneys to a needy young man...
I wrote off...

And ya..
This small home of mine...
will be the home for children...

I had no life till now..
But NO MORE!
My eyes will see through some else.. they will enjoy the beauty..
My home will once again be filled with laughter of the kids..
They will be my legacy...
My heir...

........


PS: Thanks to William Wordsworth for allowing to use his poem.

This post is dedicated to the WORLD THEATER DAY, March 27th

Coffee Blues...

I hate coffee..
I know .. all of you are looking at me weirdly.. thinking.. who is this 'idiot'..
and..
guess what..
Now I got another reason to hate it more!!!

....

Love is in the air...

Rahul... Fell in Love Finally!!!!
I mean.. common.. even Rahul???
God....

I mean.. they say..
there are 960 girls for every 1000 boys...
Guess...Now.. I am going to be one of those... 40 unlucky souls.....
Fine.. I am happy for rahul atleast...

But....
.....



"Dude.. urgent help yaar... please dont mind.. I need some money yaar.. i will return it to you soon!!" Rahul pleaded...
"Fine.. but why do you need them???" I asked...
"Aaa.. welll.. the thing is.. aa.. the thing is...."
"Idiot.. tell me.. "
"I got a date with Reha.." he finally uttered...
"nice my dear friend.. very nice!! Stupid.. when you don't have the money ask her to cancel the date.. or ask her to pay!! She is also gonna eat na!!"
"Dude... forget it.. you wont understand.. when you have a girlfriend you will understand!!!"

Huh...
Finally.. the realization of the eternal truth!!

"By the way yaar.. forgot to mention... Reha is bringing her friend along....so maybe I thought....."Rahul said..
"What??? what did you think now???" I was skeptic.
"Why don't you come along yaar.. It will be fun.."
"Forget it!!! What the hell will I do there yaar!!"
"Arey.. just come.. it will be fun... and Reha's friend will be there yaar..!!"
"No no yaar.. I am in no mood... and you know I hate coffee!!!"


The next day I found myself... waiting seriously like an expecting father... but not my baby....
for the ladies ....
"Dude... I guess they are not gonna come.. lets leave.. " I said finally..
"Shut up yaar.. I just called them.. they have left from their home already..." Rahul screamed at me..
"oooh great!! Well.. at least order something.. or the coffeeshop guy is gonna throw us out.. the waiter has already started looking skeptically at me.." I tried to convince him.
"Sorry dude.... lack of financial resources!!" Rahul justified.
"Remember.. optimum use of minimum resources!!" He added
"Shut up! you ass!!" I scolded him.

Finally the almighty showed mercy and after forty minutes of hell.. the ladies arrived..
But ya..
I was forced to show such emotions as if .. when they walked in.. I turned back to life.. and as if I am so excited to see her and her "Friend"!!
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" Reha jumped ...
"Hi this is.. Aeysha!" We had a formal introduction...
"Aeysha Takiya???" I tried a PJ
"No! Aeysha Sharma!" she told me irritatedly...
I tried to check the Aeysha chick.. for a while.. but then...
Reha gave me the.. *Will you stop your X-RAY scan* look!
I tried to explain (through my looks) that I am an engineer and not a doctor!
Nevermind!!

But Ayesha... She was beautiful.. the only problem with her was..
She had her hair pulled back.. and even her reading glasses on..
It was like.. "Fuck Off boys! I am not in the mood!!"
So.. rather a tough call for me...

Suddenly... after a while...
Rahul and Reha moved to the table beside...
And I was left with Ayesha alone...

"So what was your name.. sorry I forgot!" She said..
I really hate it.. when people forget my name...
"Mythreya! . well you can call me Matty!!" I said..
She looked at me strangly... and then..
"Mythreya.. is such a nice name.. why do you hate it??"
"I don't hate my name!!! It's just that people find it difficult ot pronounce it.. so I help them out..." I snapped back
"So what do you do.. I mean hobbies!" She asked..
"Well hell lot of them.. Writing is my passion... I even own a blog!!"
well let me tell you.. i thought.. that would impress her...
But...
No emotions.. like.. nothing...
Finally.. she spoke..
"Blogging??? What does it mean???"
Now that was a disaster... I didnt even thought of explaining it to her!!

Now we finally decided to fulfill the purpose of our date or meet or whatever you call this thing!
We odered the drinks!

Trust me..
I am not much used to this coffeshops..
I just know one or two flavours of them..
And I thought why not I try something different...
And there it was..
I dont remember... what it was.. some... Tropical Tea.. or whatever... It seemed good in the photo.. colourful...
And then finally when it arrived..
I had it all..
I realized this guy charged me 100 bucks for making me drink some coloured water!!!!
Yaaaaaaaaaaak!!
It sucked to hell!!!
But.. I had to pretend as if it was the best thing I ever drank...
Gentleman Manners!!

Well...I thought... maybe.. I should .. try something and not waste my time..
I mean.. Rahul really inspired me..
and that Ayesha was.. not bad also...

"So Ayesha.. nice name... infact... you are also beautiful!" I tried to flirt around.
"Nice Dress!" I added
She didnt speak a word... I doubted was she deaf or was I dumb??
And she after a loong minute.. reluctanly said a.."Thank you!"
No, actually she didnt say it me.. she threw it on my face!
But.. hope didn't die out in me..
"Are you single? Boyfriend??" I hit it directly now!!
"I have no boyfriend.. and I am not even that kind!! I am just a simple girl!" She put it to me!
"Not even that kind???So what kind are you??"
"Its not like that... just that.. I didn't meet someone so nice to fall in love with.."
"Really! Well you should look around... there are nice people around you!"

I looked straight inot her eyes...and then finally asked her..
"Do you believe in love at first sight!"
"No... Not today atleast!!"
"What... "
"Nothing.. No I don't believe...."

And this way.. I tried to flirt around.. woo the lady..
And finally.. I even asked her number...
But the good thing is.. she somehow gave me hers!!

And finally..the end came..
Rahul rose from his chair and..
"Guys.. me and Reha want to spend sometime together.. if its late for you guys then you can leave!"
Ya he politely told us to get lost...
"Ayesha! Why not I drop you at your place?" I tried to be polite with her.
"No yaar! It's Ok.. Well My Brother is waiting for me nearby.. I will have ot join him.."
"Oooh.. ok.... bye then.. nice meeting you..."




Two days passed..
I thought of Ayesha for some four to five times...
And finally picked up the number.. and called...

"Hullo! Is this Ayesha? I am Mythreya.. Matty!!"
"Ayesha!!! There is No Ayesha here! Wrong Number!!" A angry old man scremed right inot my face!

The Demise...

Tip.....Tip.....Tip......
water drops from no where fell upon me...
SPLASH!
It became bigger....
It started raining.....
I wanted to run like all others and find a shelter for myself....
But I could not!
"No more....." screamed my heart....I had run for a long time now.....

. . . . . . .

I came home late that day....
I searched for him all over the place...
the night was dreadful...
the lights went off...it was pitch dark...
"Don't be afraid of the dark! You are a big boy now!" His words echoed in my ears.
Suddenly something struck me........ the prompt realization!

I saw my mother lit a candle....
her face gleamed as she held it....
her eyes were dried out.... just like the arid rivers in the summer...
not a drop of water!
her face like the barren soil of the south...
those drought hit wrinkles....
suddenly she looked so old to me.....
She was one of the most beautiful women I had ever known....
But...no more....

we had moved to a smaller place now.....
someone suggested it would help us move on...
but we all knew the fact...
we no more could afford a bigger place......
neither did we needed it!

I never ever dreamt even in my worst nightmares that things would shape up like this...
when it actually started ..when it ended.. I had no clue...
I knew nothing... I still wondered how did I even fit in here...
the reason....... was beyond me....

Murthy, my father's brother arrived and thus my uncle.... arrived....
"Don't you worry vadinaa*, I had sorted it out.... hari would work at my friend's office once he completes his exams. Four thousand a month is the pay." He tried to assure my mother..... who didn't speak a word...
I wondered if she had even heard them.....

"One more thing... I think the time has come to divide the property. I know it is too early for you.... but try to understand me... I have to daughter to marry off. I met the lawyer today....
he will brief you everything tomorrow." My uncle divulged.
"It's even better for you... it will help you pay your debts..." He added.

It might be my age which disabled me me to interpret the whole monologue...
but I still figured out that... troubles were brewing right behind our backs.....

. . . . . . .

slowly....
we started our selling business....
mother said we don't need few things anymore.
but I knew.... what we really needed!
the huge sofa set...
the heavy bullet...my father's bike... it was really no use now... unless I had to wait for four more years to officially ride it.
but what still confused me was...my mother's jewellery...
I still wondered why she considered it useless now.

. . . . . .

It was Diwali...
But we didn't celebrate...
we were not supposed to... that's what mother said....
I felt bad at the beginning but then...
when I calculated the amount of money I would save upon the crackers, sweets and the dress...
I felt relieved.

Then the new year arrived....
We were not supposed to wish anyone happy new year...
well..that's what my mother said!
For the first time time... I didn't send a new year card to my favourite cousin Sheela.
Neither did she...
I wondered if even her mother told her not to wish anyone..
was it also a not-a-happy-new-year for her also?

Time passed at a snail's pace...
The summer arrived...
I completed my schooling.
Ninety four percent... read my scorecard.

"congratulations! your son topped the whole district...."
for the first time in months I saw a slight hint of happiness in my mother's face..
still tears rolled down her face...
I somehow got used to them...

"Don't you worry vadina, I have sorted it out .... Hari would study at Hyderabad and I will also make sure he gets a scholarship including fees exemption." My uncle Murthy announced.
I wondered if I didn't needed to go to his friend's office now.

"One more thing... I heard you sold the bullet last year.. and it fetched a good price... Brother always thought of gifting me the bullet. Please don't take it wrong... as even Hari's fees is exempted I was wondering if you could give me half the money of the bullet.... I have a daughter to marry off...please understand my position...." My uncle spoke..

But my mother still maintained her calmness.
Silence is sometimes eternal... I learnt soon.

. . . . . .

It was time to leave....
my hometown....
my school....
my friends....
my childhood...
my memories....

I was glad mother was coming along...
My maternal uncle made the arrangements for us this time....
Mother would teach in a school...he affirmed.
Thank god Murthy uncle didn't sort out anything this time...
I was to join a college ... No fees and scholarship...

. . . . . .

I joined the college...
It was beautiful....
Huge buildings...
even the city was too big.....
Mother asked me to be careful......
"Make good friends. And don't you get lost anywhere!" She ordered.

I had to fill in my add mission form.....

Name: Hari
Father's name: Late sri Dharma raju
Age: 14

......

Vadina* : A Telugu word for sister-in-law