Love :

What does this four lettered word really mean to you?

[Voices]
"Love is beautiful! Love is life."
"Pyar dosti hai!!"
"Humm... define love? Humm... Love..... errrrr.......humm...."
"Love is crap i tell you. This is all shit. There is nothing more to it than physical attraction!"
"Love to me is preeti! I love preeti!" "Awwwwwww!!! I love you too darling".
"I really really love rahul. He is rich. He's got an awesome car. He is got this huge bungalow. Man! I just love his money... err ...i mean i really love him!!"
"Love? How has time for all this crap?"
"Love........... humm.... yeah I remember.. i fell in love too at my college... magar. haan ab itne saaloon ke baad yeh sab.... kya yaar tum bhi kya sawaal poochte rehte ho!"
"Sorry yaar.. I am busy. Will tell you later pakka!!"

And I thought I was the only one who didn't knew the definition.
Confused Times!!
.................................................................................................

Have you ever wondered how long a minute is? Lately I just realized its reallly long!!
And the minute I am talking about is not just a minute, it's the one when you suddenly forget words. Suddenly taken over by silence. And all this with the girl before you whom you thought was everything once!
Like going to a movie alone.....
Suddenly you even start hating the food...
And finally wondering was it just me who was feeling so or was she feeling the same...
And when you think twice to ask...... I guess it's BIG TIME....

"Maybe you will get someone better. Someone more beautiful and sensible. Someone whom your parents will accept!!" These are the words my girl friend finally speaks after a looong silence.
I am sorry I don't know if I still can use the word "girlfriend" legally...
"You are caring enough maddy! No... I don't find that security .. that feeling of.. i just don't feel like that anymore! I cannot trust you!!" Another missile. I guess all the missles left untested were fired at me randomly.

Fianlly I gathered strength and spoke up..
"Look... I know I am not perfect but...."
"Perfect!!!!! I am just begging you to be a human. You are not a kid and I am certainly not your mom!!" she cried out from her lungs.
"Please for godsake. Please lets not start all over again...." I begged..
"There is nothing more to talk maddy! If have to decide. To commit or not! I dont understand why you guys are so afraid to commit!!!!"
No I didn't say anything in reply. I just couldn't dare to..........
"Anyway I never loved you seriosuly.... It's just that you always were so after me... for a moment maybe i would have got distracted. You are just a good friend and we will be friends forever." She said finally breaking the silence...
"It's not that pooja........... I just......." I really didn't know what to say... I am an asshole!!!!!!

"Just one final word maddy. If you happen a meet a girl and you feel that you are in love. Please confirm about all the things. Think twice maybe thrice before even you........"
And she walked off.... leaving me behind.......
................................................................................................

P.S :Ooops....I am really sorry.. I started off thinking of to define love and I got lost in the memories of my .... I-dont-know-what-to-call...
Maybe sometime latter i will try to define the four letter thing......
And yeah.. Its good to blog after almost an year!

The Solitary Reaper...

Alone he cuts and binds the grain...
And sings a melancholy strain.
Will no one tell me what he sings?
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow..
For old, unhappy, far-off things...
or about the love lost..
and about the infinite emptiness....
................


POOOOOOOOOOMMPP!!
The siren of the factory blew... it was my alarm clock...
it told me.. "Oh old man.. its seven thirty in the morning.. get up!!"
Early in the morning... the radio told me today's headlines..
rape, murders, deaths, accidents,
how the ministers made new promises..
But.. how.. the farmers killed themselves...
How we were finally.. "DEVELOPING".
Well.. I finally got up.. as the radio signaled me that it was time to take my bath.

DINGG DONG!!
I opened the door very excitedly..
The sight of a human being still thrilled me...
Maybe.. some relative.. some friend from my distant past..

"Your Lunch Sir!" The Dabawallah handed me my lunch carriage.

I saw Pinku walk past me...
"Hello Grandpa.. I am going to school.. Bye bye!!"
"Bye Bye Dear son! Read well!!" I smiled for the first time in the day...
"And will you come to play with me in the evening?" I asked him..
"No.. You don't have a TV in your house... " He said sadly..
It was true..
An old man.. couldn't afford a colour TV with his pension.
I saw him ride his cycle till the end of the street..


Suddenly.. my eyes fell on a old photo album which fell down from the shelf..
It was my marriage album!

I looked at the date...
Thirtieth march 1968...
I suddenly realized.. it was today...

"Sulbha... Sulbha... it's our wedding anniversary...
I still remember the night when we got married... I had not even seen you properly...

Do you remember the day.. when I got my first promotion...
You made that day my happiest day of my life.. by telling me the good news of your pregnancy.
We were soo happy..
How we thought.. we would.. name our son 'Vinay' and if its a daughter 'Nimmi' or.. was it 'Simmi'..
Sorry dear... my memory is really at a loss these days...
Thank God I atleast remember you...
And.. ya..How.. we dreamed... how you would take him to the school..
then.. high school.. college...
How we would see him as an engineer!
But....
fate had something else for us..."
.........


Bhiwandi, 1970
the dreadful year...
We were all happy.. until one day..
I don't know what happened....
They screamed all over the Radio and newspapers "RIOTS! RIOTS!"
I had no idea until...
My own house was burned down...
My shop was tore apart..
I fled somehow..

But..

My Seven Month pregnant wife..couldn't escape!
She was burnt alive...

And I was left to die for the rest of my life....
these forty years I spent my life like a dead man...
With no reason to live.... No reason to survive...

This house..
I feel so.....
I scream ... no one hears...
I cry.. no one sees...
I wonder.. If I die..then.. my body would dispose here itself...
...................


I wrote my 'Will' today..
You might think what this old man has to give...
Well..
My dear friends..
there is soo much..
I wrote off my eyes to a blind boy...
I wrote off my kidneys to a needy young man...
I wrote off...

And ya..
This small home of mine...
will be the home for children...

I had no life till now..
But NO MORE!
My eyes will see through some else.. they will enjoy the beauty..
My home will once again be filled with laughter of the kids..
They will be my legacy...
My heir...

........


PS: Thanks to William Wordsworth for allowing to use his poem.

This post is dedicated to the WORLD THEATER DAY, March 27th

Coffee Blues...

I hate coffee..
I know .. all of you are looking at me weirdly.. thinking.. who is this 'idiot'..
and..
guess what..
Now I got another reason to hate it more!!!

....

Love is in the air...

Rahul... Fell in Love Finally!!!!
I mean.. common.. even Rahul???
God....

I mean.. they say..
there are 960 girls for every 1000 boys...
Guess...Now.. I am going to be one of those... 40 unlucky souls.....
Fine.. I am happy for rahul atleast...

But....
.....



"Dude.. urgent help yaar... please dont mind.. I need some money yaar.. i will return it to you soon!!" Rahul pleaded...
"Fine.. but why do you need them???" I asked...
"Aaa.. welll.. the thing is.. aa.. the thing is...."
"Idiot.. tell me.. "
"I got a date with Reha.." he finally uttered...
"nice my dear friend.. very nice!! Stupid.. when you don't have the money ask her to cancel the date.. or ask her to pay!! She is also gonna eat na!!"
"Dude... forget it.. you wont understand.. when you have a girlfriend you will understand!!!"

Huh...
Finally.. the realization of the eternal truth!!

"By the way yaar.. forgot to mention... Reha is bringing her friend along....so maybe I thought....."Rahul said..
"What??? what did you think now???" I was skeptic.
"Why don't you come along yaar.. It will be fun.."
"Forget it!!! What the hell will I do there yaar!!"
"Arey.. just come.. it will be fun... and Reha's friend will be there yaar..!!"
"No no yaar.. I am in no mood... and you know I hate coffee!!!"


The next day I found myself... waiting seriously like an expecting father... but not my baby....
for the ladies ....
"Dude... I guess they are not gonna come.. lets leave.. " I said finally..
"Shut up yaar.. I just called them.. they have left from their home already..." Rahul screamed at me..
"oooh great!! Well.. at least order something.. or the coffeeshop guy is gonna throw us out.. the waiter has already started looking skeptically at me.." I tried to convince him.
"Sorry dude.... lack of financial resources!!" Rahul justified.
"Remember.. optimum use of minimum resources!!" He added
"Shut up! you ass!!" I scolded him.

Finally the almighty showed mercy and after forty minutes of hell.. the ladies arrived..
But ya..
I was forced to show such emotions as if .. when they walked in.. I turned back to life.. and as if I am so excited to see her and her "Friend"!!
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" Reha jumped ...
"Hi this is.. Aeysha!" We had a formal introduction...
"Aeysha Takiya???" I tried a PJ
"No! Aeysha Sharma!" she told me irritatedly...
I tried to check the Aeysha chick.. for a while.. but then...
Reha gave me the.. *Will you stop your X-RAY scan* look!
I tried to explain (through my looks) that I am an engineer and not a doctor!
Nevermind!!

But Ayesha... She was beautiful.. the only problem with her was..
She had her hair pulled back.. and even her reading glasses on..
It was like.. "Fuck Off boys! I am not in the mood!!"
So.. rather a tough call for me...

Suddenly... after a while...
Rahul and Reha moved to the table beside...
And I was left with Ayesha alone...

"So what was your name.. sorry I forgot!" She said..
I really hate it.. when people forget my name...
"Mythreya! . well you can call me Matty!!" I said..
She looked at me strangly... and then..
"Mythreya.. is such a nice name.. why do you hate it??"
"I don't hate my name!!! It's just that people find it difficult ot pronounce it.. so I help them out..." I snapped back
"So what do you do.. I mean hobbies!" She asked..
"Well hell lot of them.. Writing is my passion... I even own a blog!!"
well let me tell you.. i thought.. that would impress her...
But...
No emotions.. like.. nothing...
Finally.. she spoke..
"Blogging??? What does it mean???"
Now that was a disaster... I didnt even thought of explaining it to her!!

Now we finally decided to fulfill the purpose of our date or meet or whatever you call this thing!
We odered the drinks!

Trust me..
I am not much used to this coffeshops..
I just know one or two flavours of them..
And I thought why not I try something different...
And there it was..
I dont remember... what it was.. some... Tropical Tea.. or whatever... It seemed good in the photo.. colourful...
And then finally when it arrived..
I had it all..
I realized this guy charged me 100 bucks for making me drink some coloured water!!!!
Yaaaaaaaaaaak!!
It sucked to hell!!!
But.. I had to pretend as if it was the best thing I ever drank...
Gentleman Manners!!

Well...I thought... maybe.. I should .. try something and not waste my time..
I mean.. Rahul really inspired me..
and that Ayesha was.. not bad also...

"So Ayesha.. nice name... infact... you are also beautiful!" I tried to flirt around.
"Nice Dress!" I added
She didnt speak a word... I doubted was she deaf or was I dumb??
And she after a loong minute.. reluctanly said a.."Thank you!"
No, actually she didnt say it me.. she threw it on my face!
But.. hope didn't die out in me..
"Are you single? Boyfriend??" I hit it directly now!!
"I have no boyfriend.. and I am not even that kind!! I am just a simple girl!" She put it to me!
"Not even that kind???So what kind are you??"
"Its not like that... just that.. I didn't meet someone so nice to fall in love with.."
"Really! Well you should look around... there are nice people around you!"

I looked straight inot her eyes...and then finally asked her..
"Do you believe in love at first sight!"
"No... Not today atleast!!"
"What... "
"Nothing.. No I don't believe...."

And this way.. I tried to flirt around.. woo the lady..
And finally.. I even asked her number...
But the good thing is.. she somehow gave me hers!!

And finally..the end came..
Rahul rose from his chair and..
"Guys.. me and Reha want to spend sometime together.. if its late for you guys then you can leave!"
Ya he politely told us to get lost...
"Ayesha! Why not I drop you at your place?" I tried to be polite with her.
"No yaar! It's Ok.. Well My Brother is waiting for me nearby.. I will have ot join him.."
"Oooh.. ok.... bye then.. nice meeting you..."




Two days passed..
I thought of Ayesha for some four to five times...
And finally picked up the number.. and called...

"Hullo! Is this Ayesha? I am Mythreya.. Matty!!"
"Ayesha!!! There is No Ayesha here! Wrong Number!!" A angry old man scremed right inot my face!

Tell Me a Story

I looked eagerly into those eyes.... as if they were telling me something...
old.. tired... wanting to stop... but helplessly being dragged...
maybe a lost love.. or was it the loneliness.. the age..
he wanted peace.. he wanted to stop..
but... like he knew he had to wait.


They say, the eyes say it all. And I ventured on a small experiment of mine.
Studying people. Trying to know the strangeness of the strangers. Trying to hear the story which their eyes tell... a silent story!

This little girl really amazed me. She was happy. Happy because she had got her meal for the day. Happy because she had no mother to tell her to clean her dirty hands. No school to go. No books to read. No future to worry about. Free like the bird. But still unaware how limitless is the sky... still unaware how vast is the world and how narrow are the people in it!!
Her eyes were small.... so small that they were unaware of dreams!

On the contrary, next was a school boy! Running happily towards his home. How he waited right from the morning for this moment. Maybe he wanted to play, be himself for the evening..and not his aspiring IITian son of his parents. Smaller eyes. Forced Dreams.

just then...
it started to rain!
The rain drops fell upon me... i ran for shelter.
There my eyes fell upon a very beautiful teenager!
Aaah.. what beauty...her smile... was cute..
little rain drops trying to flirt with her..
her eyes filled with...Some sweet little dreams .. i guess!
I had to move on.. for i was afraid.. i would fell in love with her!

When I boarded the bus.. I met a young man.. probably of the same age as I.
I couldn't interpret much what laid beneath...
A search for a job.. or maybe something else..
But all I could see was.. the restlessness...
fighting with himself... the wish to overcome something..
maybe some broken dreams trying to rebuilt..
maybe!!

As I entered the building... I saw the watchman.
I wondered.. how would he feel.. standing all day.. not moving much...
watching people go in and out.. everyday..
when my eyes met his.. with a smile..
I saw them lit up....
He might not be the happiest man on earth... but still content!

"Hi!" she snapped from the back...
a familiar voice...
the same fragrance...
I knew it was her..
I looked straight into her eyes. Sparkling.
Filled with the strangeness called "life"...
happiness and sorrow ran together.
she had some kind of relief.. joy ... but still.. unsatisfied.. a slight hint of fear.. worry..
a forgotten sadness.. being reminded again..
For she well knew....
I was her ever and never...
No Love. No Hate.
Uncherished Dreams.

Finally I met my friend... my brother..
Though I knew it all..
his eyes wanted to tell it all over again....
red with regret... wet by sorrow...
tears didnt roll down... though he knew how to cry....
I wondered could anyone love someone so much...
thinking about her every moment...
trying to live with and without her...
dying every second and living every moment...
trying to relive every second spent with her.....
living only in one hope......"One day.. .. one day.. i will hold her .. once again...."

After Sorrow.. Happiness follows!
Lastly.. I saw a family..
they were three. A loving husband, a caring wife and the most beautiful daughter.
I looked at both of them..
their eyes fixed on their daughter.
I soon realized that they were not two but one!
maybe this is what they call love......



Now the final test...
I looked at the mirror...

I couldnt find anything...
just two human eyes..
not a word. not an emotion!!

The Demise...

Tip.....Tip.....Tip......
water drops from no where fell upon me...
SPLASH!
It became bigger....
It started raining.....
I wanted to run like all others and find a shelter for myself....
But I could not!
"No more....." screamed my heart....I had run for a long time now.....

. . . . . . .

I came home late that day....
I searched for him all over the place...
the night was dreadful...
the lights went off...it was pitch dark...
"Don't be afraid of the dark! You are a big boy now!" His words echoed in my ears.
Suddenly something struck me........ the prompt realization!

I saw my mother lit a candle....
her face gleamed as she held it....
her eyes were dried out.... just like the arid rivers in the summer...
not a drop of water!
her face like the barren soil of the south...
those drought hit wrinkles....
suddenly she looked so old to me.....
She was one of the most beautiful women I had ever known....
But...no more....

we had moved to a smaller place now.....
someone suggested it would help us move on...
but we all knew the fact...
we no more could afford a bigger place......
neither did we needed it!

I never ever dreamt even in my worst nightmares that things would shape up like this...
when it actually started ..when it ended.. I had no clue...
I knew nothing... I still wondered how did I even fit in here...
the reason....... was beyond me....

Murthy, my father's brother arrived and thus my uncle.... arrived....
"Don't you worry vadinaa*, I had sorted it out.... hari would work at my friend's office once he completes his exams. Four thousand a month is the pay." He tried to assure my mother..... who didn't speak a word...
I wondered if she had even heard them.....

"One more thing... I think the time has come to divide the property. I know it is too early for you.... but try to understand me... I have to daughter to marry off. I met the lawyer today....
he will brief you everything tomorrow." My uncle divulged.
"It's even better for you... it will help you pay your debts..." He added.

It might be my age which disabled me me to interpret the whole monologue...
but I still figured out that... troubles were brewing right behind our backs.....

. . . . . . .

slowly....
we started our selling business....
mother said we don't need few things anymore.
but I knew.... what we really needed!
the huge sofa set...
the heavy bullet...my father's bike... it was really no use now... unless I had to wait for four more years to officially ride it.
but what still confused me was...my mother's jewellery...
I still wondered why she considered it useless now.

. . . . . .

It was Diwali...
But we didn't celebrate...
we were not supposed to... that's what mother said....
I felt bad at the beginning but then...
when I calculated the amount of money I would save upon the crackers, sweets and the dress...
I felt relieved.

Then the new year arrived....
We were not supposed to wish anyone happy new year...
well..that's what my mother said!
For the first time time... I didn't send a new year card to my favourite cousin Sheela.
Neither did she...
I wondered if even her mother told her not to wish anyone..
was it also a not-a-happy-new-year for her also?

Time passed at a snail's pace...
The summer arrived...
I completed my schooling.
Ninety four percent... read my scorecard.

"congratulations! your son topped the whole district...."
for the first time in months I saw a slight hint of happiness in my mother's face..
still tears rolled down her face...
I somehow got used to them...

"Don't you worry vadina, I have sorted it out .... Hari would study at Hyderabad and I will also make sure he gets a scholarship including fees exemption." My uncle Murthy announced.
I wondered if I didn't needed to go to his friend's office now.

"One more thing... I heard you sold the bullet last year.. and it fetched a good price... Brother always thought of gifting me the bullet. Please don't take it wrong... as even Hari's fees is exempted I was wondering if you could give me half the money of the bullet.... I have a daughter to marry off...please understand my position...." My uncle spoke..

But my mother still maintained her calmness.
Silence is sometimes eternal... I learnt soon.

. . . . . .

It was time to leave....
my hometown....
my school....
my friends....
my childhood...
my memories....

I was glad mother was coming along...
My maternal uncle made the arrangements for us this time....
Mother would teach in a school...he affirmed.
Thank god Murthy uncle didn't sort out anything this time...
I was to join a college ... No fees and scholarship...

. . . . . .

I joined the college...
It was beautiful....
Huge buildings...
even the city was too big.....
Mother asked me to be careful......
"Make good friends. And don't you get lost anywhere!" She ordered.

I had to fill in my add mission form.....

Name: Hari
Father's name: Late sri Dharma raju
Age: 14

......

Vadina* : A Telugu word for sister-in-law

Two Sides of a Coin....

THE SIN...........

I walk through the door slowly.... but allow her to hear my footsteps....

She stands like a rock......
holding everything inside...... and giving me nothing but the silence....
I wish I could read her mind....i wish i could interpret those woeful thoughts haunting her...
I wish i could tell her....

'Don't worry everything will be fine.....'
but....

It was late...but she doesn't scream at me...as she used to ....
no sign of concern...

I still remember those beautiful days...
when we were young and newly married...
smitten by cupid...
when i used to love her by the day....and by the night....

Things change... and sometimes for the worse....

I feel the coldness even in the hot summer nights.....
It was days when we last shared a conversation...
or even when we dined together...

love.... seemed to be breathing its last breathe....
and the end seemed to begin....

I walk past to her...
her eyes...still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen...
but....the touch of her hair..... the smell of her body...
mere memories to me now....

I gather courage to break the long lasting silence....
"what is it that trouble you, my lady?"

She looks into my eyes and quickly moves them away from my sight...
she hangs her head down.... seeming smitten by the "Guilt" bug...
tears roll down her eyes...
'something bad' my heart tells me...
finally words pop out her mouth..

"I am pregnant"

................................................................................................................................


THE SINNER...............

The click strikes 11....
Still no sight of him...It's the same all the days...
This loneliness is killing me....
All day I sit idle... and wait all night...
months have passes since we last made love...

has the love died a rotten death??
or .. did it never take birth in the first place????

anyway...how do you expect love in arranged marriage!!

.................

I met him few days ago....
He is funny...handsome.... and likes me...

Am I doing anything wrong???
I know I am not supposed to act like this..but I am not able to help it..
Why do I feel like a teenager ....
why am I attracted to him so much....

NO!! I am a married woman....This is wrong!!

.................

I have never felt this way before....
it was like the first time...
same nervousness.......same excitement...
emotions running high.......and we were ready to be consumed by them...
how could i feel so different with him in the same act.......
I feel like jumping in the air and yelling at the top of my voice... to the whole world that i love him.. love him my whole life....
he is my knight in shining armor...my man of my dreams...
a part of me who completed me......the way i completed him.......
we are one and whole.....
how much i wish to be with him right now... how much...

...........................

I have done the biggest mistake of my life...
I cheated my husband....
I cheated my family...my parents..their trust...everyone..

Why was i so blind??

Why is love such a boisterous thing...
why does it pricks likes thorns...

why can't I have a happy ending..........

..........................................................................................................................................................................




PS: This blog is dedicated to my friends and all time critics...Deepi and Srats....

India Shining. . . .

Suddenly everyone is falling in love with her. . . .

Few say she has finally awakened. . .
and few say she is young at 60. . .

yes I am talking about our counrty, our motherland, and we. . .the people. . .

Brand India. . ."
it's all over the place.
People look us with respect now. .
The once lowly placed country has now joined the elite club. . .
and is clambering it's way up to the top of the heap.
Suddenly our population has turned out to a bane. The elephant has now decided to show that "size does matter". For the first time, our employment rate is more than the growth of population rate. And believe me all this is much beyond the stale BPO story.

Acquisitions and mergers are here. . .
MNC's are parking their money here. . .
FDIs are flowing in. . .
the GDP is rising. . .
"India Shinning" has really shown it's true colors.
And we all are happy because we have the money. . .

Even the NRIs suddenly seem to feel nostalgic and are returning. . . .welcome strangers!!
"meri desh ki dharti" is the new theme.
Everyone knows the lolly is here.
Personal ambition is driving most of the present change and will continue to do so.
Greed is Good!

Not only economic changes but there is lot more. Lifestyles are changing, people are changing, women are changing. . .
And Bollywood! yeah it has also undergone a drastic change. . .
(Thanks to mallika Sherawat and co)
Now we love to pay hundred bucks to the cooled coffee which was once served hot at a very minimal price.

but few things still remain the old. . .
The society still frowns as women wear less and less and as the youth get "westernized" . . .
But bridegrooms still prefer virgins; and husband's still prefer their wives to cook and raise kids along with their job.
Still "kundalis" are probed into before marriage and girls are checked if they are "manglik" or not. . .
Cricket is still our first love. . .
Khans still rule the bollywood and Fridays are still the same: First day First shows!
And still the "K-Serials" run their millionth episode. .
And most importantly. . .
Whatever changes or not. .
but our "dear" politicians are still the same. . . .And so are their promises!!!

And you can argue to me that we still have thousands of issues and problems. . .
poverty, illiteracy. . .
the rich are getting richer and the poor ever poorer. . .
Human relations are changing. . .
Social networking: people are willing to talk hours with a person thousands of miles away but they don't know the guy next door!
I know we have still a long way to go. . .
The journey has just started, and we are already late. . .
but. . .
let's be happy that we have started atleast now.
Yes! it is the time to put on our dancing shoes!



Happy Republic Day